New Blog!

Come on over to my new blog!

www.awhitleykindofway.wordpress.com

Still here

I havent had a chance to start a new blog...lots going on...will update soon!

Disclaimer

I don't post on Facebook (any more) when I blog. With that said, when you visit my blog, you physically make a conscious effort to come here. My blog is my thoughts...you get where I'm going with this..

Any way, I'm thinking of starting a new blog soon but turning it private. If you would like to be a part of my new blog, please leave your email below...

Thanks! And yay for hump day!

Things I learned in July

1- I dont have to be a big fan of the beach to like the beach. My first choice for vacation is not the beach (I know, insert dramatic gasp). The first 2 days we were down for vacation, I stayed in the house, napping on the couch all day until time to go out for dinner. For 1, I'm white, like the pasty, prone to skin cancer white. And secondly, I dont like sand that wanders up into crevices that it doesnt belong.


http://water.epa.gov/type/oceb/beaches/images/Malibu_Sunset_1.jpg


2- People aren't who they seem to be. I am so naive when it comes to that and very often, I get burned. This time, I got burned and blamed. Lesson learned.

3- The older I get, the crazier I get and the more I don't have it together. I had to leave work early, pay a $25 copay at an urgent care because I couldnt remember if I took a tampon out before trying to put in another (and apparently I'm not alone in this because she said it happens weekly...but cmon folks, I'm 28...I've been down this road well over 16 years)

4- I'm starting to believe what I say. If Sley and I can't have kids, I am going to love the kids in our lives like they are my own. Nothing makes this OCD woman more happier than a house full of rowdy youngins' (hubs included). I never thought I would be ok with so much chaos but it brings joy I can't even begin to describe.

5- I like it being cold when I get out of the shower. Random, but I'm just now figuring this out. Sley actually figured it out before me. He likes to cover the vent in the bathroom so it is nice and warm when he gets out...I on the other hand like the vent open and could've kissed my husband when he put the fan in the bathroom while I was taking a shower. I HATE sweating as I get ready and I HATE foggy mirrors.

6- God has never left my side. He has always provided, yet I still stress. I am trying my best to rid the stress from my life!

7- God brought the women together in my bible study on purpose. It's crazy how different we are and how we are all in different stages of our life but we all fit together so beautifully. It leaves me speechless thinking about it really. Perfect in every sense.


Sorry it's been so long since my last post. I don't really have much to blog about these days (which isnt necessarily a bad thing!)

Starting Week 2

Last week was just what I needed. God knew I needed this too. I started my period Thursday and while it hurt, instead of my focus being on Facebook and posting my woes or looking at all the people I know being pregnant, I focussed on my hurt and prayed. I also emailed a fellow blogger Amy about my struggles because she has been there, too. She was so encouraging and left me with a Scripture I have at my computer desk in front of me all day:

"But these things I plan won't happen right away. Slowly, steadily, SURELY, the time approaches when the vision will be fulfilled. If it seems slow, be patient! For it will surely take place. It will not be late BY A SINGLE DAY." --Habakkuk 2:3

She then wrote this post about some things we were talking about. While starting my period hurt my heart, I was able to refocus and know in my heart...GOD HAS GOT THIS.

So...today starts week 2 of no Facebook. I've heard a lot of people asking if Sley and I had split and NO we have not. Isn't it crazy I get off of Facebook for my well being and people automatically assume the worst? Myself included.

Oh well, it's been a breath of fresh air. And you know what else was a breath of fresh air? Last night's bible study with my girls. Much needed. Much appreciated. My God knows what I need better than I do and I'm so thankful He provides!!

So yea, no baby, no Facebook, but plenty of HOPE!

Thanks for the prayers!

Taking a Break

I know I won’t have as many readers for this post since I won’t be posting the link to Facebook. I am currently doing a bible school with 5 other amazing women. The study is on Esther and how hard it is being a woman. One thing I struggle with is bitterness. It’s so easy to post on Facebook to make your life seem amazing, and maybe it really is that amazing, but my God is the only one perfect so there are always going to be times when things are not perfect. I get so bitter with all the flaunting on Facebook of who has it better than anyone else. We were discussing this last night and there is a lady in our group that doesn’t have Facebook and is VERY Anti-Facebook. She said that she really believes Facebook is the DEVIL (enter in the voice of Adam Sandler). Anyway, she was explaining that without Facebook, you only have time to worry about yourself and things that are important to you. She said, “Ignorance is bliss” and I truly believe that. She also said, “I’m sure there are going to be times when I’m in the Food Lion and a girl I went to school with comes up to me and we start talking and she mentions just getting back from a cruise…that’s fine, yea I want to go but I’m happy for her and then I will walk away and go get my Pop Tarts…out of sight, out of mind.” I really think there is something to that.

While in discussion, she issued us a challenge: to deactivate Facebook for a week to see how our attitude improved. Two of us girls out of the 5 that have Facebook agreed; the others said they would think about it, which is fine! I know that I need this. Sley makes little comments about me being on my phone all the time so this will help me redirect my focus toward my relationship with God and my husband.

I’ve already received a text asking if I was ok since I wasn’t on Facebook anymore and I explained why I was doing it. I also deleted all of the games on my phone (even Hay Day and my $40k in coins I had been saving up to buy a Jam Maker…) (Yes I know it’s ridiculous). So now I have LOTS of free time. During lunch, I normally go sit in my car and check out Facebook so now I’ll be doing my Bible Study in my car during lunch.

I reached for my phone out of habit so many times last night. It’s an eye opener of how much I really do stay on the phone!

So, everyone keep Julie and I in your prayers. It’s going to be a long week but I know this is going to make us so much stronger!

The hard one

After we left the Dr’s office after being told our little one most likely would not make it, I was in a complete fog. I could tell a meltdown was just seconds from erupting and tried my best to get to the car without incident. After taking the elevator down 1 floor that felt like took 30 minutes, I rushed to the car, tears streaming down my face. I had worn a mask in the Dr’s office because I was still getting over a cold, so the mask helped camouflage the tears. I get the the car, take off my mask, and lose it. Sley kept saying, “Everything’s going to be alright shug…we will just try again.” I knew he was just trying to comfort me any way that he could but I didn’t want to hear it. He didn’t know the pain my heart I was going through knowing I failed at the one thing I wanted most in my life.


Before we could make it out of the parking lot, I was sobbing. Not the quiet, one tear streaming down your face, praying no one notices, cry. Oh no. This was the hard cry. The one where there is loads of snot, and screams, along with a headache, gasping for air, cries. You know, the ‘good for the soul’ kinda cry where everything in you is completely emptied out on the table for God to sort out because He is the only one in control of your unborn baby’s life.

I just didn’t understand! How could these teenagers have baby after baby, give it up for adoption (if they didn’t decide to abort first), do drugs, smoke and drink, live irresponsibly, but I could be a good Mom for my baby, the baby I have always wanted, but suddenly my baby was going to be taken away. I was angry. I was judgmental. I was hurt. Even though I was angry and hurt, I still believed God had a bigger plan and I trusted Him, even though I didn’t understand. While I questioned God’s motives, I never stopped believing that He loves me. I believe He was in the car with me that day, holding me as I’m sure my husband was freaking out, not knowing how to fix the grief stricken woman sitting next to him. “Be still and KNOW that I am God”…

I didn’t want to go home. I didn’t want reality to set in. I didn’t want to see the baby gifts Sley had given me a few days before to celebrate my first Mother’s Day. I didn’t want to see the baby giraffe I bought for my baby that I held every night, praying. Sley just drove. Sometimes the ride was quiet; sometimes all you heard were my sobs and pleas. I had been sick a few days before and still couldn’t taste anything. I asked Sley to stop at Starbucks. It was hot that day so I asked for a Frappuccino instead of my usual hot White Chocolate Mocha. It was the icing on the cake when I got the drink and couldn’t taste it. We walked in Hobby Lobby and I just remember walking. I was there in body but my heart and mind were somewhere else. I had wanted to go to the Hobby Lobby so much because I heard so many good things about it but now that I was there, I just walked, trying to keep it together so I wouldn’t scare any customers off. All the grief I had taken from others about becoming pregnant, standing up for what I knew was right, I felt was all in vain. I went through all of that for my baby to die.

All afternoon, my phone rang and I never answered a single call. I was with Sley and at that moment, that was all I needed.

We finally made it home and went to bed. I lived the next few days like nothing was wrong. I wasn’t bleeding so maybe God was going to prove these doctors wrong! “Thank you Jesus!” I prayed, “sorry for doubting Your ability to heal!”.

A few nights later as I was getting ready for bed, after going to the bathroom, there it was. Evidence that my baby was no more. I walked to the bedroom and told Sley what was happening. I was freaking out because 1- I had no pads at his house because I moved in when I was pregnant and didn’t need any…2- I had no “regular” undies for the pads to fit in…Sley doesn’t think twice after telling him my “issues”, hops out of bed to get dressed, all while asking me what exactly I needed him to pick me up from Walmart. What a sweet, sweet man. As I was telling me, I got this strong urge of not wanting to be by myself so we both hopped in the car, me with some folded paper towels between my legs, and both head to the store at 11pm. I normally wear tampons and I didn’t feel that tampons were appropriate with this so I headed for the pads. I had not worn pads since middle school so I didn’t know which ones to get. I didn’t know what to expect either so I ended up getting the HUGE pack of extra-long HUGE pads that feel like you have a roll of paper towels between your legs and when you sit, it feels like your crack gets a little extra cushion! Anyway, I thought Sley would have been mortified because I sure was! I headed to buy some granny panties (to which I am almost positive Sley had some smart comment to break the ice). As we are heading out the door from paying, Sley grabs the enormous bag of pads (that were too big for a bag) and lifts them over his head in the parking lot on the way to the car. At that moment, this right here was equivalent to a knight in shining armor showing up on a pretty white horse to rescue me from a tall tower my step mother had locked me in to keep me from going to the ball, with my glass slipper, long hair, and talking dishes.

I didn’t know what to expect. When I first started miscarrying, the only sign I had was in the pad. I didn’t have any pain, just heavy flow. Well, I should’ve knocked on some pretty hard wood because a few days later, the pain hit, and boy did it hit! Every 30 seconds I would have a contraction. I would cry, and shake, and sweat. Sley begged me to call the Dr. on call since it was the weekend and finally I did. I cried on the phone while I was in pain. She prescribed me meds to alleviate some of the pain after I promised to come in the office Monday morning. The few hours between calling the Dr. and getting the meds creeped as I lay in the fetal position on the floor crying in pain as Sley sat frantic; rocking me, whispering that he wished it was he who was going through the pain instead of me. The meds put me in a fog but I was finally able to rest.

That day changed us both. My husband is one heck of a man and I am out of this world lucky to have him by my side. I really believe this brought us closer to one another and God. The weeks following and even now, I still get upset about not having my baby, but I am thankful for a husband who never left my side and continues to keep my head up and my faith in God strong. I know God will grant us the desires of our hearts one day but until then, I will keep believing, loving, thanking, and worshipping Him.

I’m so thankful for the opportunity to reach all of you with my story. I know everyone’s story is different. Some have never been divorced, some have never lost a baby…but I’m sure we all know someone who has. I am by far no way perfect. I am human. I mess up but I don’t try to make myself someone I’m not. My story isn’t pretty and I’m not going to portray it that way because I’m afraid of gossip. People are going to talk and that’s ok! Maybe through the gossip, my story will reach someone who needs it!

I’m going to end with a scripture I have at my desk and a little note I wrote under it. I hope it gives someone hope like it does me!



“Delight thyself also in the Lord; and he shall give thee the desires of thine heart.”

-----The God I serve is more than capable to fill my womb and give Sley and I a child if He so desires!

What is up?

I feel like it’s been forever since I’ve blogged!


I’m in my 3rd week at my new job and I love it! I thought the traffic would be bad but I leave early enough where it doesn’t bother me too much. I did go back to the branch last week to be the Fat Cat for Member Appreciation Day and that was fun, but it was HOT. I didn’t realize how much I missed the branch and the people until I went back but I still love my job.

I’ve learned so much already and haven’t even really touched what I’ll be doing. There are slow times but I am thankful for a low stress job.

Last Friday was a year since we lost our little one. I really thought it was going to be worse but I’m leaning on Him and not getting discouraged. Our time will come. The ache is still there and I know I’ll get to see my sweet baby again one day but God is faithful and I’m choosing to keep my head up and focus on Him!

Sley and I took a little trip this past weekend to the Zoo! It was so much fun and the weather was absolutely perfect. Sley had never been before and I remember going a long time ago. We went up the day before and found a room (the last room in that city may I add). I just really enjoyed the down time with my husband and getting the chance to be children and ooh and ahh at the animals we saw. I really cherish that time that he willingly gives me to do things together. Nothing makes me happier than that!

I did realize this weekend that had we had children, our trip wouldn’t have been nearly as fun. I don’t mean that to sound selfish at all, just really being honest. We took our time and didn’t have a true “schedule”. I know our time will come with the kids but I’m so thankful God reminded me what I have in front of me.

I think that’s about all for now! The bible study I had mentioned before in an earlier post that I do with my best friend and another girl has more than doubled in size and we are all so excited to grow with these amazing women! We will be starting soon; if anyone wants to jump on the bandwagon, come on!

Battle of the Blues

Happy Thursday! I only have 1 and a half days left at my current job, where I started out after college, where I’ve been for 5 years…I would be lying if I said I wasn’t nervous about next week. I almost feel unprepared but I know that once I get my feet in the door then it will all go smoothly.


What’s up with this May weather? I mean, honestly, I’m not complaining…I hate heat, humidity, sweat, mosquitoes, gnats, snakes, bees, wasps, sun burn…you know, everything that comes with Summer, and this past week has been a “not-so-typical May”. I don’t even think the forecasters know what to expect anymore…one day they say rain and its sunny…the next they say sunny and its pouring…At least we are out of a drought, right? This is my fav weather…not too cold but just warm enough that if I leave the A/C off while at work, the house is still pretty cool when I get home!

In other news, Sley is taking me on a Honeymoon coming up in a few weeks and to say I’m EXCITED would certainly be the understatement of the century.

I’m not pregnant. It really is ok. I don’t have any solid promises from God that I will be a Mom and that’s ok too…I can’t say I don’t get disappointed every month, I can’t say that I don’t get defensive, and I can’t say I don’t cry. I am human. When it comes to things I desire in my heart, God has made me wait…every time. It’s easy for me to cry UNFAIR! and pout and sulk at how easy some things come to other people but I do know this: Whatever God has for my future, my journey there is adding up to be one heck of a testimony. I am an empathizer. When someone hurts, I step into their situation and hurt, too. I don’t want anyone experiencing anything heart breaking to be alone and am willing to bring the hurt on myself to be with them. So cry, to question. But in the same, when someone has joy, I step into their situation and experience their joy! God fills my heart to the brim experiencing someone else’s joy…amazing.

So I think my story with divorce, miscarriage, remarriage, husband unemployed and trouble getting pregnant is all combining to further His Kingdom. I have always wondered how I could do God’s work, how I could make a difference…where did I fit in? what was my spiritual gift?? It’s all adding up now through my struggles and loss.

I never finished my story with the miscarriage and the year mark is coming up. I think about my baby in heaven. I remember someone telling me that had also lost a baby, “Andrea, God needed your baby in His Army…how awesome is that?” That is about the only thing that gave me comfort. Sley and I were talking last night about the whole baby thing. I told him, “this sucks”. Yea I know, such Southern Belle of me. My wise husband said, “it does shug but it’s just not His time yet…it will happen one day…I would rather you not get pregnant than have a miscarriage every time…” and he’s right. That miscarriage changed him. He saw me hurt worse than I’ve ever hurt in my life and there was nothing he could do but hold me and rock me through the pain. Contraction after contraction, with no baby to make up for the hurt.

And really, if I’m honest with myself, I love and value my relationship with SLEEP a little too much and I’m not ready to break up yet. My husband would probably tell you I love sleep more than I love him! I kid..well..I love them both equal but if I’m sleeping and my husband calls in the morning before my alarm like this morning, I choose sleep over answering the phone…

So until God decides it’s “our time” and I wean myself from my extra marital affair with sleep, I will keep praying and furthering my testimony. I would rather do God’s will and help another person than to selfishly want a child. I have a baby in heaven I will spend eternity with so I will keep my eyes on Him trusting that in my heart!



“Bring me joy, bring me peace

Bring the chance to be free

Bring me anything that brings You glory

And I know there'll be days

When this life brings me pain

But if that's what it takes to praise You

Jesus, bring the rain”

Baby Names, Hair, & Vacation

I bet a have a record number of readers from this post soley because of the "baby names" in the title!

The answer to your question..."Right now, I don't know...I'll let ya know in a week or so" ha!

Before I get started on my post coming from Kelly's Korner I wanted to say I am so thankful for you all, my readers. Your messages and comments mean so much to me. I know I am not alone in any part of my journey because I know God is with me and I know some of you struggle with the same things I struggle(d) with. Know that I appreciate each and every comment and prayer you send my way and I don't take any of it for granted!!!


Baby Names 

So when I was younger, I would only come up with girl names because I just KNEW I was going to have a little girl one day...but when I got pregnant I picked a boy name. I love Baker Sley. "Baker" was Sley's mom's maiden name and "Sley" for obvious reasons...At first Sley wasn't thrilled but it grew on him. I still worry about when I get pregnant again and find out it's a boy, can I still use Baker since I had a miscarraige? What do yall think?

I have so many girls names I like that if we ever have a girl, I'm going to have a hard time choosing.

Marilyn (my grandmothers 1st name, me & my mom's middle name)

Catherine (Sley's mom's name and my paternal great grandmother's name)

Elizabeth (my paternal grandmother's name) (unfortunately this name has left a bad taste in my mouth seeing as this is the name of the 16 year old my ex husband cheated on me with...)

Correnna (my materal great great grandfather's middle name)

I like a lot more girl names but I'm a huge fan of family names, especially since I found out my first name came from a character on General Hospital in the 80's...thanks Mom. I am also a fan of names from the Bible, especially for boys...Noah, Jonah & Luke if I have triplets (because that's the only way I will be having 3 lol)

What are some of your faves?

Hair

So let me be real for a sec...I get my hair done about twice a year, cut & color...my color does a pretty good job staying fresh for the most part for 6 months and after getting my hair cut, in 6 months it's unmanagable. I know some of you go religiously every 4-6 weeks and thats great! but I feel guilty throwing $100 in my hair more than 2 times a year and I'm not brave enough to color it myself!

Girls Vacations

If I could go anywhere for a "girl's only vacation" I would go on a cruise to the Bahamas! Don't think Paige and I havent already thought of that!! Paige and I try to go atleast once a year on a girl's weekend trip to the mountains or beach so that's fun too but a cruise would be AMAZING! Maybe next year lol

Feel free to join in!!! Happy Monday! :)

Finally!

Before I get to the meat of my post let me start out by saying:

Sorry for the delay of posts! It's been busy around the "Whitley Household" as my husband refers to our humble abode.

For example: I'll have an attitude about God knows what...like running out of cereal...and I'll bite Sley's head off about it because I shouldve gone to the grocery the night before (yea I know...Wife of the year award RIGHT HERE!) any way, he will just laugh at me and say, "NUH UH We dont be having attitudes in the Whitley Household!"

It's the simple things.

Our calendar has been FULL and anything life altering you've basically seen on Facebook already!

One thing that has changed that I havent really elaborated about recently is my change in occupations! May 13 I start a new job!

I love my coworkers...most of us get together outside of work so to say that I'm going to miss them will truly be an understatement. I have been at the branch where I am now for almost 5 years so I'm a little nervous about moving intermal. Where I am going there are no members coming in...but I will have my own cubicle!

I have been praying about a change for a while. I have looked for new jobs and asked God countless time PLEASEEEEEE!! Where I am now, I am not being challenged the way that I would like to. I take on as many responsibilities as I can, in and outside of work, but it's still not enough. I didn't think I would actually get this job because I have no experience, whatsoever, except working with the program as a teller. Now I will be coming up with new updates for our system and testing them! They showed me some of the stuff I will be doing and OMG its complicated but I am so excited for the challenge. Everyone there is SUPER sweet and I have already made a friend! There are only about 4 or 5 of us on our team and I love that!

So I didn't have a business suit for my interview so Paige and I spent the Sunday before shopping...ugh. Don't get me wrong, I'm a girl. I love to spend money and shop. I LOATHE shopping for myself, especially when I am looking for something specific. Paige enjoyed herself...I enjoyed the Mexican lunch before and icecream afterwards.

The night before the interview I had an awful headache. I had bible study that night but I had 30 minutes to rest at home before I left. Sley was frying fish as I left and it smelt so good because I hadn't eaten anything since lunch 7 hours before. Anyway, the next morning I text Paige:

"I smell like fried fish. ugh."

I oversprayed perfume and still smelt it. I stopped by my grandparents house on the way and they didn't smell it...but then again, they don't smell much these days. I prayed it was just in my nose...oh well, must have not been that bad, I got the job lol

Although I begged and pleaded God, things are finally falling into place. Have you ever had a child beg and beg and beg and you feel like OMG PLEASE STOP! HAVE PATIENCE! I KNOW BEST!...yea I am TOTALLY sure that's what God was screaming to me these past few months.

I've also been BEGGING God for a baby. I pretty much have control of what I do but pray I do God's will. I don't have control of having a baby. I won't lie, it hurts some times, especially when more and more of my friends are posting baby bump pics. I know the timing is not good, with Sley out of a job (and no insurance) and me moving to a new job, but I am hard headed and am a spoiled brat who wants it RIGHT NOW! We "have but havent" been trying and I am learning through all of this, God really does know best. I finally have a peace about it all.

Last  month I was late...I mean like REALLY late, and I just KNEW I was pregnant! I was at work and wanted to take a test right then so I ran to the drug store really quick. I spotted a bathroom but let's face it, I am a married woman and I felt like if I took it at the store then the clerk at the front would think I was pregnant with another man's baby and I was hiding it so I sucked up my pride and snuck to the bathroom at work with test in hand.

Five minutes later, NEGATIVE. So we all know 1 test is NEVER enough so I took one the next morning (no really I should absolutely consider getting stock in pregnancy tests...its ridiculous) and it was negative again. When normally I would be sad, I had peace was over me. I pray everytime I take a test that only if it's God's will...and I, myself, know it's not a good time much less God and with everything falling into place with my job, I have no doubt in my mind if Sley and I are to have a child, it will be in HIS timing.

If we arent meant to have a baby then I have come to have peace with that too! Sley and I have set goals on where we want to be at a certain time and if that involves children then we will be SO HAPPY but if not, we will be SO HAPPY with each other too! We both love my best friend's little girl Claire like our own child and we already spoil her so much and Sley has a little neice on the way so we will have plenty of chances to spend time with these precious little girls!

So yea, it's all good in the hood! I just feel so full and so thankful for God's presence in my life! I am doing a bible study on Jonah. I never thought I would EVER be able to compare myself to Jonah but God has used his story to teach me A LOT about myself and Him. If anyone is looking to join a small group let me know! In a few weeks we (Paige, myself, and one other girl) are going to start a study on "Ruth" I believe. We take turns meeting different places, eat dinner, chit chat, and talk about our studies. I love it because I can really lay out what is on my heart and not get judged. Any one is more than welcome!

I hope everyone has a great rest of the week! Tomorrow is FRIDAY! :)

Over load!

So it's April. It was almost 80 degrees this past weekend. People wore shorts, sleeveless tops, sandals...and today, you know, it's sleeting? Seriously ya'll?

I have to say, I am very thankful for the rain with my crazy allergies. One day my eye is watering like a leaking faucet, one day my ear hurts like someone jabbed a letter opener into my ear drum, then the next my throat hurts like someone took a lice scraper to the back of my throat (I know the last one was quite a bit disgusting...yikes! but you catch my drift)...And the weird part of it all, all of the pain is on the left side...I guess it could be worse!

Most everyone knows I'm a nerd. I tried to surpress it in highschool to "fit it" but now that I'm finally at the age where I just don't care and my peers don't spend every waking hour trying to pick on someone for the clothes they wear and the zits on their face (good thing I didn't get acne until a year ago), I've learned to embrace my inner nerd because let's face it, it sure does come in handy! Everyone going back to school at work comes to me for homework help and it's so much fun! I always say it's a win win for us both; they get the help they need and I get to "go back to school" for free!

Anyway, I love to read. No really. LOVE. In school, meh, I had too much other stuff to do like write notes in cute color crayola markers to stick in my very best friend's lockers and honestly, I wasn't interested in reading when I HAD to. I only remember reading 2 books throughout my whole schooling career:
--"Fahrenheit 451" only because I learned they burned books and I was totally a wanna be rebel in 6th grade
--"The Count of Monte Cristo" because my 10th grade hippie teacher said it was the closest thing to reading a soap opera and at the time I was infatuated with Guiding Light and Young & Restless.

Growing up, in the summers, my youngest cousin and I would always coax my great grandma into taking us to the local public library after she went to bank up the road with the yummy green lolipops. My cousin and I would get countless Goosebumps books and just sit and read and read to each other while my great grandma would nap listening to us.

My love for books has continued into adulthood. I get so engulfed in them. It's like I'm part of the story! In 6th grade, my language arts teacher was batty. Bless her heart, she needed to retire about 10 years prior to teaching me. BUT she loved reading to us (which meant we didnt have the responsibility of doing it on our own...and loved giving out candy--and this girl loves me some sour gummy worms) (whats a good strory without candy?) (please tell me I'm not the only one that wants a hershey with almonds everytime you watch Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory). We read (I believe it was this one?) "Where the Red Fern Grows" and when one of the dogs die (sorry if I just ruined it for you), my teacher cried...I mean in front of the class, needing tissues, couldnt get herself together, blubbering like it was HER dog that just died! I didn't get it. Neither did any of the other immature creatures in my class.

I get it now. I love a good book that makes me cry, laugh out loud, smile like I'm watching a show...

So without further a-do, here is a list of some good reads (because I know atleast ONE of my readers like to read too!):

-"Sisters" - Danielle Steel
           My mom has always been a Danielle Steel fan and I was heading on a long road trip and happened to see this book and I'm so glad I got it. It's about this family where something happens and it brings the family closer...it's so much more to it than this but I don't want to ruin anything for ya'll!

-"I Will Carry You" - Angie Smith
          Angie is married to a singer from the Christian band "Selah". I follow her blog. She is they type of person where you feel like you know her but have never met her. She is real. I know everyone struggles with different things. I read this after I had the miscarriage. I've never cried so hard in my life. She put into words exactly how I was feeling. If you have ever struggled with infertility or miscarriage or even not...read this book. Seriously. You will be blessed beyond words.

-"Sparkly Green Earrings" - Melanie Shankle
          Melanie, better known as "Big Mama" from her blog, just published this book. I havent finished reading it but ya'll...it's so good. She is so down to earth and if you have kids (even if you don't...I don't yet...) it is just hilarious.


Those are my top picks so far! I'll keep ya'll updated!

Happy Friday-eve!

On the outs

Sorry it's been so long since my last post. I've lacked time and motivation...mainly time, well, and motivation. To be honest, I've been sort of in the dumps lately! ugh...

So I was almost finished with my bible study by Beth Moore about David when the bestie recommended us start our own small group and study together. We invited one more outsider, planned a date night good for all of us, ate yummy food and headed to Lifeway to choose a study. We ended up picking Jonah. We were all so excited and couldn't wait to dive into our new study! We chose a day to meet the next week and decided to rotate houses every week. The next week things came up for all of us so today is the day we have our first gathering.

While doing the Beth Moore study I really felt God's presence in my life. I was happy. I knew God was there and saw things a little different...well that really must have pissed Satan off because he came toward me full fledge and if it weren't for my husbands encouragement and a random date night with the strongest gal I know, I would've lost it...I mean padded room, straight jacket, drooling on myself while rocking in the fetal position. Everything came down on me that is going on. It's like Satan was whispering, "look what's happened in your life...your marriage failed, you had a miscarriage, your husband lost his job, work is stressful, you don't have any money to do the things you want to do no matter how hard you work...etc etc." I quit in the middle of my bible study one night and just wrote out a letter to God about my frustrations about everything going on. I teared up talking to Sley one night, "you know how God is like our Daddy? Well how can He see his little girl in so much pain and not doing anything???" and my wise hubby just said, "He's here Andrea...He sees us...It's going to be ok!"

Isn't it funny how Satan knows just what buttons to push to get us down? Lots and lots of tears, screams to God, and heart to hearts later, I am coming around!

The thing is, Sley and I really haven't gone without what we needed...Satan knows me, he knows it doesn't take much for me to worry about the "what ifs" but MY GOD is bigger than all of it!

So I'm back...I have a story to finish telling!!! I hope everyone had a great Easter!!!

Thank God my Savior LIVES!!

Marriage

Marriage: the social institution under which a man and woman establish their decision to live as husband and wife by legal commitments, religious ceremonies, etc. Antonyms: separation.  (per dictionary.com)

"But at the beginning of creation God 'made them male and female.' 'For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.' So they are no longer two, but one. Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate."

                        Mark 10:6-9


  I believe in marriage. I believe marriage is HARD. I know marriage is hard. When I said my vows, whether it meant with Brandon before and now with Sley, I meant every. single. word. In good times and bad. In sickness and health. For better or for worse. My vows are the exact reason I stayed with Brandon for as long as I did, knowing he didnt love me and knowing he was cheating on me. God didn't promise things were always going to be good and it SUCKED that I got the worse end of it but I promised my faithfulness and I put everything I had in to keeping my marriage, even when all the odds were against me and eventually he would leave me.  

My heart aches for so many in broken homes. In today's world, it's nothing to get married one day and get divorced the next. To just give up when the going gets tough. To just so easily throw in the towel when you just aren't happy anymore. I don't think God intended marriage to be that way.   When people tell me they are getting divorced my stomach just sinks. I am no way better than anyone and I'm not pointing fingers. I know no two circumstances are the same.  

To be honest, the day Sley and I got married, all day I kept saying to him, "are you sure you want to do this? are we doing the right thing? you don't have to marry me...we can wait just a little while longer to make sure this is right..." I always worry if I'm doing the right thing and if I am doing God's will. I struggled with that at the beginning when Brandon left me, too. I thought that God would not be happy with me since I was getting divorced even though Brandon left. I knew he broke the covenant but I was devastated and needed God to help me. My husband left and I needed to know that my God wasn't going to leave me too.   It's nice to have a healthy marriage now. I am SO thankful for a husband who loves me as much as I love him and it is so evident! I pray for eveyone that is going through tough times. Don't give up. God is faithful.  

(please no one take this post offensive or personal....I have a heart for those going through something as I did and if I can help prevent that from happening in any way or listen or anything else, know that I am here and you are not alone!)

So What? Thursday Style

Anyone not Catholic and giving something up for Lent? Or maybe you are Catholic and went to church last night and got an ash cross put on your forehead? I've never been to an Ash Wednesday service. That one is going on my bucket list though...I love going to different services. I have decided to give up playing games on my phone and iPad for Lent. I don't drink that much caffeine, I don't blog enough, and let's face it, Facebook isn't an option if I REALLY want to commit myself to going through with this. Whenever I have free time at lunch and when Sley is driving us somewhere, I get on my phone and play either Candy Crush or Hay Day. Sley picks on me because I am constantly playing on my phone. Those games are ADDICTING but they are taking away from building a better relationship with God and my husband so I'm taking a leave of absence from them...

Well, it's Valentine's Day! and Thursday! so here are some "so what's" I will leave you with!

• So what if I am wearing navy socks with my black on black outfit. I couldn't find a matching black sock in the mountain of laundry piled up on the couch and nothing ticks me off more than searching for something in the morning before I go to work.

• So what if I didn't buy Sley anything for Valentine's Day (not even a card!) and this is our first official Valentine's Day together and we're married...We are taking each other out to eat with the mobs of other folks tonight because in reality, cards get thrown away, candy makes us fat, and flowers die.

• So what if that 'said mountain of laundry' has really been on the couch piling up for weeks and Sley just keeps adding to the pile as he washes more clothes. We rarely ever have visitors because we are RARELY ever home!

• So what if I used a half a can of hairspray and a handful of powder this morning to make my hair look presentable. I didn't get up in time to wash my hair in the sink (I take my showers at night) and I've come to realize I'm not the only one to not wash my hair everyday now, plus, I get more compliments on my hair the day I didnt wash it more than I do when I wash it that day!!

TOMORROW IS FRIDAY FOLKS! WE CAN DO THIS! HAPPY HEARTS!!!

Ouch

After not speaking to anyone for a fews days and coming home sobbing in Sley's arms day after day, I got myself together and realized I was being selffish. There was a little one inside of me that needed me to be healthy and positive and not having self pity so I sucked it up and put a smile on my face, and trudged through life focussed on me and my baby. Speaking of face...ugh when I got pregnant, if my face wasn't oily enough, I could ATLEAST fry 5 lbs of bacon easily...and the zits were EVERYWHERE.

A couple days later, my mom texted me asking me if I was ok and if I needed anything. After texting with her about our feelings and me keeping my baby, we let things go and decided to move forward. Shew! One less thing I had to worry about!

Sley and I took a trip to Tennessee one weekend to get away. I was bloated and caught myself looking at my reflection everytime we walked by a store window. I wondered if others noticed my "glow". I loved eating. I mean LOVED (what am I talking about, I love eating now and I'm not pregnant...). I had weird cravings like cherry slushies and MILK. Oh goodness nothing made me happier than vitamin D milk in a cup of ice. Heaven. Pure heaven.

I went to my first appointment very giddy! Sley went with me. The nurse told me to take my pants off and cover myself with a sheet. Sley said, "Do I need to take my pants off too?" in which the nurse never missed a beat and said, "No sir, it's obvious you've done quite enough." LOL. I was so nervous. The doctor came in and started the exam. He gets the "wand" ready and Sley says, "after you're done can I try?" and the doctor says, "maybe next time..." ughhh I was about to die! So we turn to the screen and things aren't what we thought we would see. The doctor thought that maybe I wasn't as far along as I thought and ordered me to get blood work done to know my HCG levels. I left with a heavy heart...I knew something just wasn't right.

After that appointment I started spotting. Nothing too much or too dark but enough to stress me out. I called the doctor and looked up countless websites. The doctor thought maybe I couldve strained too much or the wand may have broken a blood vessel and said not to worry.

The next doctor appointment was a little more solemn. I was afraid of what I was going to find out. Sley went with me and tried to be silly to make me laugh but he was just as nervous as I was. We go in and look at the screen again....We could see where I was pregnant but the baby just wasn't progressing how it should. I was devastated. I just wanted to get out of that place. I held it together while I put my clothes on. Sley was quiet and said, "it's ok Andrea...it's just not God's timing...we will try again later." I didnt want to hear it...

The Dr. wanted us to come to his office to discuss details. He said that more than likely I would have a miscarriage and he would prefer it to just happen naturally. I really didn't know what that meant at the time and really didn't care. I just wanted to GET OUT! I nodded when I needed to and we were finally able to go home.

I get to the car and I lose it. I didn't want to talk to anyone. I didn't want Sley to try to offer me these future plans. My baby that I went through all this hell for is never going to be in my arms. I didn't want to go home so Sley drove from Raleigh to Wilson where he got me a coffee from Starbucks and we walked around Hobby Lobby. It was useless because I was such in a fog.

This all happened around Mother's Day. I prayed so hard that God would allow me to have this one Mother's Day with my baby. We had already decided this baby was a boy and his name would be Baker Sley Whitley. Sley got me a diaper bag and lots of cute baby things with a beautiful hanging flower. He had to work that day but when I woke up and went to the kitchen, it was spread out waiting for me. When I had found out I was going to lose Baker, I went to Walmart and bought a little baby Giraffe toy. That toy still sits in our kitchen reminding me of the baby I would never give up on. I would rub my stomach and talk to him all day, about how my day went, people I love, how proud I was to be his mommy, about how amazing his daddy was, and how no matter what...I would ALWAYS love him and I HAVE always loved him.

A few nights later the inevitable happened...just like that I wasn't pregnant anymore. Baker was gone.

To Be Continued.

Surprise!

So as most of you know, there was a wedding this weekend! It was small, intimate, and absolutely PERFECT! Sley and I decided last Sunday about oh say, about 11pm that how cute would it be to get married at our church's Sweetheart Banquet coming up that next Saturday! I don't know how serious I was about this idea because goodness gracious, I had 5 days to plan AND work...but Sley's cousin, Hope, flew with the idea and called the Pastor RIGHT THEN (who was snowed in Kentucky) and he agreed to marry Sley and I! I also called one of my friends, Tracy, that is good at this sort of stuff and she reassured me that this could be done and it was going to be amazing!

Monday, I told my family and Sley told his but decided not to tell anyone else. The banquet at church that Saturday was to raise money for the College and Career class to go to a retreat so we encouraged people to buy tickets and warned them that if they missed out then they couldnt get angry...

Tuesday, my friend Tracy called with a person to make our cake for CHEAP and it was absolutely beautiful!

Wednesday, I came into work late so Sley and I could get our marriage license! That night after church, we met with the pastor to talk about how everything would "flow". We knew we wanted something very short. I didnt want to walk down an aisle and we didnt want a unity candle. Basically my Dad give me away, we say our vows, give rings, and KISS! We didnt have anyone stand up there with us either.

Thursday, Sley and I went shopping for him and got some pretty sweet deals! We got him a whole new outfit and I must say, my man looks pretty HOT all dressed up...shew! I got a new pair of shoes out of the deal, too, so I was happy! :) We stopped by my moms so we could drop off Sleys pants to be hemmed.

Friday, work was awful...I decided I needed deserved a break so I met the BFF and Claire at Chickfila, had dinner, then went to Target and Michaels (Michaels solely for Claire to shop...she had her own basket and everything and I gave her my card to swipe...it was the cutest thing and the cashier played along with it). Sley had gone with my grandpa to watch bullriding (and apparently was coaxed in to riding the mechanical bull himself...).

Saturday was finally here!!! Sley got up early to get a haircut, then I got up and we headed for the church to see the decorations and cake! Even some of the workers didnt know that we were getting married! We left and ran a few more errands before coming back home to get ready...

I loved it. Minimal stress. Minimal money spent. A really good time. Beautiful decorations. Romantic mood. Tracy and my brother even surprised me and Sley and sang a song for us! We got married before dinner so we could all enjoy the meal. The steak was amazing. My family made so many compliments about everything there.

Well, that's how it all happened! Nothing too big but still perfect. We plan on having a pig pickin reception with everyone once it warms up.

It still hasnt sunk in that I am now Mrs. Andrea Whitley. Living with Sley I was scared I wouldnt feel any different but I do. I love him so much more and something about seeing that ring on his finger and knowing he's my soulmate makes my heart so warm and brings a smile to my face. Even church on Sunday was different. I had made the comment that living with Sley and not being married was hindering my worship because I couldn't repent if I went home to him every night. Sunday I worshipped freely, with my husband, and I thanked God. the whole time.


(I haven't forgotten about Part II from the previous post, I just wanted to update yall on how the shotgun wedding went down. and NO, I'm not pregnant, ...yet...) eee!

Worth it

As I have said before, I have always LOVED children and for the most part, children have always loved me, especially babies. I don't know if its my anatomy (being extremely blessed in a certain area) that brings comfort to infants or what exactly but babies don't seem to cry often with me and I always welcome the snuggles.

I recall last summer attending a family reunion where my cousin had brought her week old baby to ooh and ahh over. My aunt, the grandmother to the precious newborn, had the baby inside from the summer heat, trying her hardest to rock, coo, and console the very unhappy baby. I offered to take the baby to give my aunt a break since the family would soon be eating and before handing her over, my aunt gave me a chance to change my mind before she held the screaming little girl out for me to take. I took the baby, held her close to my chest, humming and swaying, and immediately the baby quieted and drifted off to sleep. I knew in my heart that was what was going to happen but it still brings joy to my heart every time. My aunt stood in awe as the screaming baby she held showed no evidence of being unhappy at all. I could tell this upset my aunt a little because who was I to settle this baby down? I was certainly not her mother and I didn't physically have any children of my own so why me? I played it off with my aunt saying I had more chest than she did, both laughing it off, but knowing deep down there was more to it.

I don't really know how to introduce what I am about to say to this post but just lay it out there because this has been weighing down on my heart for sometime. May 24, 2012, at about 7 weeks, Sley and I lost a baby due to a miscarriage. I have never hurt emotionally and spiritually (and physically) as I did that day and the days thereafter. I love my baby as if I had held them in my arms. I debated so hard writing this because of being judged but I feel like I'm taking purpose away from my baby's life by hiding it and acting like it never happened.


I believe EVERY life is worth it. Abortion was NEVER an option. Even though Sley and I were not married, that baby was still a blessing.

I will never forget finding out I was pregnant. I had my suspicions when I fell asleep at Sleys friends house on the couch. I NEVER do that. I had only been there twice but I could not keep my eyes open to save my life. We also went to a race and I got the worst headache. That wasn't out of the ordinary for me except for the fact that I needed Pringles and a Cherry Slushie ASAP!

I called Paige and got her to meet me at Walmart during my lunch hour. Hands sweaty and shaking, I headed in a vacant stall where I would emerge with a stick that showed a purple plus, very faint. At this point I was still living at home and Sley didn't have a clue. I headed back to work with my mind racing the rest of the day. For the next few days, the more tests I took (looking back, I easily spent over $100 on pregnancy tests), the darker the lines got...I was pregnant.

I WAS PREGNANT?! Omg? All those years I prayed for a baby with Brandon...all those years I would be late two days, rush to buy a test, for s second line to never appear. I really thought I would never see a second line. The second line hated me and I it. Now...the second line appears...I was scared...I was afraid...I was so happy!!! What was I going to do? It didn't matter, I was going to be the best mommy I could be. Teenagers do it everyday and I am an adult so I can do this!  For so long I prayed for this baby, pleading with God asking, why? Why can girls who choose to terminate their pregnancy get pregnant but me? I can't have a baby and I WANT it!

I was finally getting what I wanted, what I had prayed for. Know that I understand the circumstances weren't what I would have hoped and I know that not being married and pregnant is frowned upon but I have asked for forgiveness and my sin had nothing to do with a precious gift, my baby.


I texted Sley at work and told him that we needed to talk that night. He had an idea by the way I as acting what was up but he wanted me to confirm it and I did. I texted him a picture of one of the MANY tests I took and his reply? "Good."

From that day forward, Sley never left my side. He stayed with me at the trailer Brandon and I used to live in and we were both so excited about becoming parents.

Sley loves kids as much as I do and kids love him more than me! It brings a smile to my face every time we see my best friends little girl Claire and how they are so happy to play together. Although I do get jealous because it seems like Sley ranks higher than auntie AP, I just remember what an amazing daddy he is going to make one day.

Paige texted me everyday, being the best support system a girl could ask for, always buying me more pregnancy tests when doubt would creep in and Cherry slushies from Sonic when my cravings set in.

I called my Dr. and set up my first appointment. I wanted to tell my family before then but I was so scared...I knew they wouldn't be happy but I really didn't know what to expect. I was an adult, not a child..this baby would be my responsibility, not theirs, but I needed their love and support as I ventured down this new path.

My friend at work warned me to wait to tell them after my first appointment but I felt like I couldn't be happy about it until it was out in the open.

I won't go into details as to what was said when I told them but I made the decision for my baby and my own health to move in with Sley. I understood my parents and grandparents were upset but things were said out of character that I have forgiven but still hurt my heart to think about. After making it clear that abortion was NOT an option, I packed what I could and left, sobbing the whole way to Sleys house.

I didn't speak to any of them for a few days. I was used to seeing and talking to them everyday. This was so hard on me. I would come home to a strange place every night (Sley tried so hard to make it home for me...) and I would drop everything and just sob in his arms. I wanted so much to be happy...I was finally pregnant but I felt like I didn't have permission...people were angry and wanted me to kill this sweet baby inside of me and all I wanted to do was rejoice! I was having a baby! Sley tried so hard to make me happy and feel at home but I needed my family, no house or object could replace that...I sucked it up and decided no matter how I was treated, keeping this baby was the right thing and God would bless me for that...

To be continued---

Facts about me

So a gal I follow on Blogger did this (and since I'm at work and really don't know how to link up to those things) I am still going to do it!

www.beautyandthebaseballcoach.com

So here goes:

1- I am an introvert at heart but force myself to be extroverted (because let's face it, being extroverted is WAY more fun...)

2- I hate loathe concerts. I don't know why...I mean if I want to drink and party with friends, I can buy a keg and pay for a DJ and have a great time in the comfort of my own home, not worrying about strangers stepping on my blanket (which is VERY annoying) or spilling their beverage on me.

3- I can't handle any scary shows or movies. When I mean scary, I can't even watch Criminal Minds...I love Hawaii 5-0 and sometimes that freaks me out! My brother can't stand watching something scary with me because I freak him out when I scream :)

4- I love coke floats. I mean LOVE. If ever I have a bad day, one of these bad boys cheer me up right away. Last Friday I was having a rough day, I really don't know why, I was just emotional. I begged my brother to go to Sonic and bring me a Coke float and Tater Tots (because you have to have something salty with something sweet, ALWAYS!). It was getting busy at work when he brought it so he gave it to me over the counter and I called someone up to help as my brother stepped down to talk to my coworker. As I was reaching across the counter to get their ticket, it happened in slow motion...my hand hit my glorious Coke float and the icecream went EVERYWHERE...I am not going to lie, I may have shed a tear or 2 and could have blown out a cake full of candles in one single blow with the sigh I made.. BUT my brother went back and bought me another one...so all was right in the world :)

5- I am not a big fan of the summer time. I am white...and I burn...then turn back white...and you can't get snow in the summer.

That's all I can think of right now :)
Yay for a 4 day work week!!!

When I grow up

So often, even in elementary school, whether it was to write an essay or just used as casual chit chat, the question remained, "what do you want to be when you grow up?" A lady I grew up knowing came into my work today with one of her cute little girls and when discussing the loot brought by Santa to the little girl and her older sister, the little girl says in her adorable pre-K voice (that if you didn't strain to pay attention, you would have to depend on the mother to translate), "My sisswa wants tobe a singa (since this older sister got a microphone and guitar, of course) and I don't wanna be nuffin."








When I was a child, I remember what I wanted to be changed quite frequently, and was influenced by many things but mostly what was on TV that day or what one of my friends said they wanted to be. I was quite the "follower" in my younger years. I remember wanting to be a doctor, lawyer, work in a bank, teacher, and veterinarian, each evolving over the years. I played "school" with my brother and cousins which consisted of me being bossy and eventually the boys realizing this wasn't real and they weren't doing it. Since I was the only girl, I was the teacher and gave them all math homework. It was always math. That was as broad as my spectrum got and it was quite overwhelming my freshman year of college because the sky was the limit and I didn't have a list to choose from.







I started out at Barton College majoring in Math. I thought majoring in something in general like Math would leave my options open. I applied to be in the CIA and had planned to be a math teacher if that didn't take off. Well, freshman year, first semester of college, I took statistics. Now I believe I am a rather intelligent person. I am in no way bragging and I know there are TONS of folks smarter than I am. I have book smarts and common sense so I am pretty good at figuring things out and math was just my thing. My best friend Paige was a Junior at Barton and took statistics with me. I was forewarned by my Trigonometry teacher from highschool that I probably shouldnt sign up for statistics right off the bat but I ignored him. I was excited to have a class with Paige, especially when I was taking a course right off the bat that applied to my major. Paige was good in math (seeing as her mom was a math teacher) but I was REALLY good in math. Let's just say there was a problem when Paige was making A's and I was barely making C's in statistics. I just could not get it to save my life! I spent every day in my math professor's office getting extra help and it just wasn't clicking. I think my professor felt sorry for me because for the final exam, he let our class have one thing with as much info we could fit on it to use for our exam....so this chick rolled up in class with a big ass piece of poster board, covered front to back with crap I didn't understand, and had to lay on the floor to take my exam because the poster took up too much room to sit in the seat provided. Needless to say, I escaped statistics with a pity grade of a B (which I GLADLY accepted) and after the final exam, I headed STRAIGHT to my advisor's office to change my major to "undetermined".







The "undetermined" major status really made my chest hurt. I felt like I was taking classes for no reason because I didn't know what I wanted to be and I saw myself wandering aimlessly waiting for God to open a door or give me some huge sign so I knew what to do. I had taken an Intro to the Bible class the next semester and FELL IN LOVE. There were no tests, all of it was writing. I didn't realize until then how much I loved to write. I told my advisor about really enjoying the Religion classes Barton had to offer so we changed my major to "Religion and Philosophy", not really knowing exactly what I wanted to do with it, really just using it as a filler until I determined what I REALLY wanted to major in.







Religion at Barton was different than anything I had been accustomed to. I grew up Baptist/Episcopalean so I thought I was good to go but when I was given a Bible with books of the Bible I had never heard of before, my world was shook. My dad begged me to get out of it because of the added books and my mom kept reminding me there was no money in majoring in Religion. My grandpa got me a book trying to convince me to change my major to law. I couldn't help it, I stuck with my major because it just felt "right". I still didn't have a clue what I wanted to do with it but I knew it was what I was supposed to do and God would take care of the rest.







I ended up transferring to Campbell University where I graduated with a BA in Religion and Philosophy. The deal was since I lost a year transferring and parents really didn't want me to transfer/major in Religion, it was left up to me to pay for the 5th year of college. I believe it was in God's plan for me to transfer (even though I have to remind myself that every month I pay an unGodly amount to College Foundation). I developed my own theology at Barton and was opened to a whole new world but at Campbell, I learned the facts. I was challenged beyond belief at Campbell and am so thankful for that. I left Barton with a 4.0 GPA and graduated Campbell with a 2.75. I learned some tough lessons at Campbell and one was accepting the mediocre grades I earned. I didn't make perfect grades but I learned so so much and had the opportunity to go to Germany the summer before my senior year with one of my proffesors to learn more about the Reformation.







I wish I could answer the question of what I want to be when I grow up but I still don't know. I have a degree in Religion and work as a teller in a local credit union. I have had to learn to "be still" and wait on God. Jesus worked as a carpenter...so I can work as a teller. Until God directs me otherwise, when I grow up, I want to be what God wants me to be!

Job

Not as in work (seeing as Sley really could use a JOB), but I'm talking about Old Testament Job here...








Before you "x" me out, give me a chance, I promise I won't be preaching and this won't be boring...this is more of a self-realization.







So I wrote a post asking ya'll to pray for Sley and I as we embark on this trial of us depending on God for just about everything now (but isn't that the way it is supposed to be?)...







Mom and Dad gave me a new NRSV bible for Christmas...it's black leather bound with silver edged pages and very thin (as opposed to the big fat bibles)...everything I asked for. I had told myself that once I got this new bible I was going to start to put it to good use. It has been way too long for this religion major to not have an open line of communication with my Maker so I figured once I got my new bible, I would start...Dont get me wrong...I pray, all day it seems like...but how do I hear God's voice if I'm not reading His Word?







The bible sat in the middle of the living room floor with all the other Christmas presents until last night. For the past few days, Job has been put upon my heart. I couldn't remember specifics from the book of Job that I had learned from the past except for the fact the man just couldn't catch a break!







So last night when I got home from work after dinner, I picked up that bible in the middle of the floor (partly feeling ashamed that I had not done it before now) and decided to read Job. The more I read, the more my chest hurt and my spirit stirred. I prayed and prayed that God would speak to me through Job's sufferings and his pleads.







I opened my bible and read more of Job before bed, still asking God..."Lord, I know you are big enough for my pleas...You said Job was a good man and yet he lost his health, wealth, and children...I praise You in this storm and thank You for bring me closer to You..."







I in no way am comparing myself to Job. I know I sin, daily...I am not worthy to have all the blessings I pray for and I am no one to be asking for God's favor. I humbly come to my Father and ask Him for forgiveness and pray that His presence be with me at all times.







So often when bad things happen, I am guilty for wondering what God was punishing me for...Karma comes to mind...but really I don't think that is what happens...God doesn't allow bad things to happen to us just because we sin. God breaks us but is the only One that can truly heal us. God used all that happened to Job to get Job to repent. I am no better than anyone and because of this, God doesnt keep bad things from happening to me. I have strayed and I believe God is using this season to bring me back to Him.







Please continue to pray for us. Pray that God will be glorified through all of this. He is faithful...He brought me out of an awful marriage and made me into a stronger person because of it...God is really blessing us already though all of this and the peace I feel is truly unbelievable!

Humbling

Guys, Sley and I need urgent prayers...His unemployment has been stopped for 5 weeks (due to a mix up...ugh long story) and there is a large amount of money due on his Grandmother's house next month. God is in control, I know He is...and I know He is using this trial to bring Sley and I closer to Him. So, if I could, can I ask yall to say a prayer? Some how I have a peace about all of it because I know somehow it will be taken care of but your prayers would be appreciated! Surely not a way I thought about starting out 2013 but I am faithful!