Wednesday, February 13, 2013


After not speaking to anyone for a fews days and coming home sobbing in Sley's arms day after day, I got myself together and realized I was being selffish. There was a little one inside of me that needed me to be healthy and positive and not having self pity so I sucked it up and put a smile on my face, and trudged through life focussed on me and my baby. Speaking of face...ugh when I got pregnant, if my face wasn't oily enough, I could ATLEAST fry 5 lbs of bacon easily...and the zits were EVERYWHERE.

A couple days later, my mom texted me asking me if I was ok and if I needed anything. After texting with her about our feelings and me keeping my baby, we let things go and decided to move forward. Shew! One less thing I had to worry about!

Sley and I took a trip to Tennessee one weekend to get away. I was bloated and caught myself looking at my reflection everytime we walked by a store window. I wondered if others noticed my "glow". I loved eating. I mean LOVED (what am I talking about, I love eating now and I'm not pregnant...). I had weird cravings like cherry slushies and MILK. Oh goodness nothing made me happier than vitamin D milk in a cup of ice. Heaven. Pure heaven.

I went to my first appointment very giddy! Sley went with me. The nurse told me to take my pants off and cover myself with a sheet. Sley said, "Do I need to take my pants off too?" in which the nurse never missed a beat and said, "No sir, it's obvious you've done quite enough." LOL. I was so nervous. The doctor came in and started the exam. He gets the "wand" ready and Sley says, "after you're done can I try?" and the doctor says, "maybe next time..." ughhh I was about to die! So we turn to the screen and things aren't what we thought we would see. The doctor thought that maybe I wasn't as far along as I thought and ordered me to get blood work done to know my HCG levels. I left with a heavy heart...I knew something just wasn't right.

After that appointment I started spotting. Nothing too much or too dark but enough to stress me out. I called the doctor and looked up countless websites. The doctor thought maybe I couldve strained too much or the wand may have broken a blood vessel and said not to worry.

The next doctor appointment was a little more solemn. I was afraid of what I was going to find out. Sley went with me and tried to be silly to make me laugh but he was just as nervous as I was. We go in and look at the screen again....We could see where I was pregnant but the baby just wasn't progressing how it should. I was devastated. I just wanted to get out of that place. I held it together while I put my clothes on. Sley was quiet and said, "it's ok's just not God's timing...we will try again later." I didnt want to hear it...

The Dr. wanted us to come to his office to discuss details. He said that more than likely I would have a miscarriage and he would prefer it to just happen naturally. I really didn't know what that meant at the time and really didn't care. I just wanted to GET OUT! I nodded when I needed to and we were finally able to go home.

I get to the car and I lose it. I didn't want to talk to anyone. I didn't want Sley to try to offer me these future plans. My baby that I went through all this hell for is never going to be in my arms. I didn't want to go home so Sley drove from Raleigh to Wilson where he got me a coffee from Starbucks and we walked around Hobby Lobby. It was useless because I was such in a fog.

This all happened around Mother's Day. I prayed so hard that God would allow me to have this one Mother's Day with my baby. We had already decided this baby was a boy and his name would be Baker Sley Whitley. Sley got me a diaper bag and lots of cute baby things with a beautiful hanging flower. He had to work that day but when I woke up and went to the kitchen, it was spread out waiting for me. When I had found out I was going to lose Baker, I went to Walmart and bought a little baby Giraffe toy. That toy still sits in our kitchen reminding me of the baby I would never give up on. I would rub my stomach and talk to him all day, about how my day went, people I love, how proud I was to be his mommy, about how amazing his daddy was, and how no matter what...I would ALWAYS love him and I HAVE always loved him.

A few nights later the inevitable happened...just like that I wasn't pregnant anymore. Baker was gone.

To Be Continued.

No comments:

Post a Comment