Monday, January 28, 2013

Worth it

As I have said before, I have always LOVED children and for the most part, children have always loved me, especially babies. I don't know if its my anatomy (being extremely blessed in a certain area) that brings comfort to infants or what exactly but babies don't seem to cry often with me and I always welcome the snuggles.

I recall last summer attending a family reunion where my cousin had brought her week old baby to ooh and ahh over. My aunt, the grandmother to the precious newborn, had the baby inside from the summer heat, trying her hardest to rock, coo, and console the very unhappy baby. I offered to take the baby to give my aunt a break since the family would soon be eating and before handing her over, my aunt gave me a chance to change my mind before she held the screaming little girl out for me to take. I took the baby, held her close to my chest, humming and swaying, and immediately the baby quieted and drifted off to sleep. I knew in my heart that was what was going to happen but it still brings joy to my heart every time. My aunt stood in awe as the screaming baby she held showed no evidence of being unhappy at all. I could tell this upset my aunt a little because who was I to settle this baby down? I was certainly not her mother and I didn't physically have any children of my own so why me? I played it off with my aunt saying I had more chest than she did, both laughing it off, but knowing deep down there was more to it.

I don't really know how to introduce what I am about to say to this post but just lay it out there because this has been weighing down on my heart for sometime. May 24, 2012, at about 7 weeks, Sley and I lost a baby due to a miscarriage. I have never hurt emotionally and spiritually (and physically) as I did that day and the days thereafter. I love my baby as if I had held them in my arms. I debated so hard writing this because of being judged but I feel like I'm taking purpose away from my baby's life by hiding it and acting like it never happened.

I believe EVERY life is worth it. Abortion was NEVER an option. Even though Sley and I were not married, that baby was still a blessing.

I will never forget finding out I was pregnant. I had my suspicions when I fell asleep at Sleys friends house on the couch. I NEVER do that. I had only been there twice but I could not keep my eyes open to save my life. We also went to a race and I got the worst headache. That wasn't out of the ordinary for me except for the fact that I needed Pringles and a Cherry Slushie ASAP!

I called Paige and got her to meet me at Walmart during my lunch hour. Hands sweaty and shaking, I headed in a vacant stall where I would emerge with a stick that showed a purple plus, very faint. At this point I was still living at home and Sley didn't have a clue. I headed back to work with my mind racing the rest of the day. For the next few days, the more tests I took (looking back, I easily spent over $100 on pregnancy tests), the darker the lines got...I was pregnant.

I WAS PREGNANT?! Omg? All those years I prayed for a baby with Brandon...all those years I would be late two days, rush to buy a test, for s second line to never appear. I really thought I would never see a second line. The second line hated me and I it. Now...the second line appears...I was scared...I was afraid...I was so happy!!! What was I going to do? It didn't matter, I was going to be the best mommy I could be. Teenagers do it everyday and I am an adult so I can do this!  For so long I prayed for this baby, pleading with God asking, why? Why can girls who choose to terminate their pregnancy get pregnant but me? I can't have a baby and I WANT it!

I was finally getting what I wanted, what I had prayed for. Know that I understand the circumstances weren't what I would have hoped and I know that not being married and pregnant is frowned upon but I have asked for forgiveness and my sin had nothing to do with a precious gift, my baby.

I texted Sley at work and told him that we needed to talk that night. He had an idea by the way I as acting what was up but he wanted me to confirm it and I did. I texted him a picture of one of the MANY tests I took and his reply? "Good."

From that day forward, Sley never left my side. He stayed with me at the trailer Brandon and I used to live in and we were both so excited about becoming parents.

Sley loves kids as much as I do and kids love him more than me! It brings a smile to my face every time we see my best friends little girl Claire and how they are so happy to play together. Although I do get jealous because it seems like Sley ranks higher than auntie AP, I just remember what an amazing daddy he is going to make one day.

Paige texted me everyday, being the best support system a girl could ask for, always buying me more pregnancy tests when doubt would creep in and Cherry slushies from Sonic when my cravings set in.

I called my Dr. and set up my first appointment. I wanted to tell my family before then but I was so scared...I knew they wouldn't be happy but I really didn't know what to expect. I was an adult, not a child..this baby would be my responsibility, not theirs, but I needed their love and support as I ventured down this new path.

My friend at work warned me to wait to tell them after my first appointment but I felt like I couldn't be happy about it until it was out in the open.

I won't go into details as to what was said when I told them but I made the decision for my baby and my own health to move in with Sley. I understood my parents and grandparents were upset but things were said out of character that I have forgiven but still hurt my heart to think about. After making it clear that abortion was NOT an option, I packed what I could and left, sobbing the whole way to Sleys house.

I didn't speak to any of them for a few days. I was used to seeing and talking to them everyday. This was so hard on me. I would come home to a strange place every night (Sley tried so hard to make it home for me...) and I would drop everything and just sob in his arms. I wanted so much to be happy...I was finally pregnant but I felt like I didn't have permission...people were angry and wanted me to kill this sweet baby inside of me and all I wanted to do was rejoice! I was having a baby! Sley tried so hard to make me happy and feel at home but I needed my family, no house or object could replace that...I sucked it up and decided no matter how I was treated, keeping this baby was the right thing and God would bless me for that...

To be continued---

Tuesday, January 22, 2013

Facts about me

So a gal I follow on Blogger did this (and since I'm at work and really don't know how to link up to those things) I am still going to do it!

So here goes:

1- I am an introvert at heart but force myself to be extroverted (because let's face it, being extroverted is WAY more fun...)

2- I hate loathe concerts. I don't know why...I mean if I want to drink and party with friends, I can buy a keg and pay for a DJ and have a great time in the comfort of my own home, not worrying about strangers stepping on my blanket (which is VERY annoying) or spilling their beverage on me.

3- I can't handle any scary shows or movies. When I mean scary, I can't even watch Criminal Minds...I love Hawaii 5-0 and sometimes that freaks me out! My brother can't stand watching something scary with me because I freak him out when I scream :)

4- I love coke floats. I mean LOVE. If ever I have a bad day, one of these bad boys cheer me up right away. Last Friday I was having a rough day, I really don't know why, I was just emotional. I begged my brother to go to Sonic and bring me a Coke float and Tater Tots (because you have to have something salty with something sweet, ALWAYS!). It was getting busy at work when he brought it so he gave it to me over the counter and I called someone up to help as my brother stepped down to talk to my coworker. As I was reaching across the counter to get their ticket, it happened in slow hand hit my glorious Coke float and the icecream went EVERYWHERE...I am not going to lie, I may have shed a tear or 2 and could have blown out a cake full of candles in one single blow with the sigh I made.. BUT my brother went back and bought me another all was right in the world :)

5- I am not a big fan of the summer time. I am white...and I burn...then turn back white...and you can't get snow in the summer.

That's all I can think of right now :)
Yay for a 4 day work week!!!

Wednesday, January 9, 2013

When I grow up

So often, even in elementary school, whether it was to write an essay or just used as casual chit chat, the question remained, "what do you want to be when you grow up?" A lady I grew up knowing came into my work today with one of her cute little girls and when discussing the loot brought by Santa to the little girl and her older sister, the little girl says in her adorable pre-K voice (that if you didn't strain to pay attention, you would have to depend on the mother to translate), "My sisswa wants tobe a singa (since this older sister got a microphone and guitar, of course) and I don't wanna be nuffin."

When I was a child, I remember what I wanted to be changed quite frequently, and was influenced by many things but mostly what was on TV that day or what one of my friends said they wanted to be. I was quite the "follower" in my younger years. I remember wanting to be a doctor, lawyer, work in a bank, teacher, and veterinarian, each evolving over the years. I played "school" with my brother and cousins which consisted of me being bossy and eventually the boys realizing this wasn't real and they weren't doing it. Since I was the only girl, I was the teacher and gave them all math homework. It was always math. That was as broad as my spectrum got and it was quite overwhelming my freshman year of college because the sky was the limit and I didn't have a list to choose from.

I started out at Barton College majoring in Math. I thought majoring in something in general like Math would leave my options open. I applied to be in the CIA and had planned to be a math teacher if that didn't take off. Well, freshman year, first semester of college, I took statistics. Now I believe I am a rather intelligent person. I am in no way bragging and I know there are TONS of folks smarter than I am. I have book smarts and common sense so I am pretty good at figuring things out and math was just my thing. My best friend Paige was a Junior at Barton and took statistics with me. I was forewarned by my Trigonometry teacher from highschool that I probably shouldnt sign up for statistics right off the bat but I ignored him. I was excited to have a class with Paige, especially when I was taking a course right off the bat that applied to my major. Paige was good in math (seeing as her mom was a math teacher) but I was REALLY good in math. Let's just say there was a problem when Paige was making A's and I was barely making C's in statistics. I just could not get it to save my life! I spent every day in my math professor's office getting extra help and it just wasn't clicking. I think my professor felt sorry for me because for the final exam, he let our class have one thing with as much info we could fit on it to use for our this chick rolled up in class with a big ass piece of poster board, covered front to back with crap I didn't understand, and had to lay on the floor to take my exam because the poster took up too much room to sit in the seat provided. Needless to say, I escaped statistics with a pity grade of a B (which I GLADLY accepted) and after the final exam, I headed STRAIGHT to my advisor's office to change my major to "undetermined".

The "undetermined" major status really made my chest hurt. I felt like I was taking classes for no reason because I didn't know what I wanted to be and I saw myself wandering aimlessly waiting for God to open a door or give me some huge sign so I knew what to do. I had taken an Intro to the Bible class the next semester and FELL IN LOVE. There were no tests, all of it was writing. I didn't realize until then how much I loved to write. I told my advisor about really enjoying the Religion classes Barton had to offer so we changed my major to "Religion and Philosophy", not really knowing exactly what I wanted to do with it, really just using it as a filler until I determined what I REALLY wanted to major in.

Religion at Barton was different than anything I had been accustomed to. I grew up Baptist/Episcopalean so I thought I was good to go but when I was given a Bible with books of the Bible I had never heard of before, my world was shook. My dad begged me to get out of it because of the added books and my mom kept reminding me there was no money in majoring in Religion. My grandpa got me a book trying to convince me to change my major to law. I couldn't help it, I stuck with my major because it just felt "right". I still didn't have a clue what I wanted to do with it but I knew it was what I was supposed to do and God would take care of the rest.

I ended up transferring to Campbell University where I graduated with a BA in Religion and Philosophy. The deal was since I lost a year transferring and parents really didn't want me to transfer/major in Religion, it was left up to me to pay for the 5th year of college. I believe it was in God's plan for me to transfer (even though I have to remind myself that every month I pay an unGodly amount to College Foundation). I developed my own theology at Barton and was opened to a whole new world but at Campbell, I learned the facts. I was challenged beyond belief at Campbell and am so thankful for that. I left Barton with a 4.0 GPA and graduated Campbell with a 2.75. I learned some tough lessons at Campbell and one was accepting the mediocre grades I earned. I didn't make perfect grades but I learned so so much and had the opportunity to go to Germany the summer before my senior year with one of my proffesors to learn more about the Reformation.

I wish I could answer the question of what I want to be when I grow up but I still don't know. I have a degree in Religion and work as a teller in a local credit union. I have had to learn to "be still" and wait on God. Jesus worked as a I can work as a teller. Until God directs me otherwise, when I grow up, I want to be what God wants me to be!

Thursday, January 3, 2013


Not as in work (seeing as Sley really could use a JOB), but I'm talking about Old Testament Job here...

Before you "x" me out, give me a chance, I promise I won't be preaching and this won't be boring...this is more of a self-realization.

So I wrote a post asking ya'll to pray for Sley and I as we embark on this trial of us depending on God for just about everything now (but isn't that the way it is supposed to be?)...

Mom and Dad gave me a new NRSV bible for's black leather bound with silver edged pages and very thin (as opposed to the big fat bibles)...everything I asked for. I had told myself that once I got this new bible I was going to start to put it to good use. It has been way too long for this religion major to not have an open line of communication with my Maker so I figured once I got my new bible, I would start...Dont get me wrong...I pray, all day it seems like...but how do I hear God's voice if I'm not reading His Word?

The bible sat in the middle of the living room floor with all the other Christmas presents until last night. For the past few days, Job has been put upon my heart. I couldn't remember specifics from the book of Job that I had learned from the past except for the fact the man just couldn't catch a break!

So last night when I got home from work after dinner, I picked up that bible in the middle of the floor (partly feeling ashamed that I had not done it before now) and decided to read Job. The more I read, the more my chest hurt and my spirit stirred. I prayed and prayed that God would speak to me through Job's sufferings and his pleads.

I opened my bible and read more of Job before bed, still asking God..."Lord, I know you are big enough for my pleas...You said Job was a good man and yet he lost his health, wealth, and children...I praise You in this storm and thank You for bring me closer to You..."

I in no way am comparing myself to Job. I know I sin, daily...I am not worthy to have all the blessings I pray for and I am no one to be asking for God's favor. I humbly come to my Father and ask Him for forgiveness and pray that His presence be with me at all times.

So often when bad things happen, I am guilty for wondering what God was punishing me for...Karma comes to mind...but really I don't think that is what happens...God doesn't allow bad things to happen to us just because we sin. God breaks us but is the only One that can truly heal us. God used all that happened to Job to get Job to repent. I am no better than anyone and because of this, God doesnt keep bad things from happening to me. I have strayed and I believe God is using this season to bring me back to Him.

Please continue to pray for us. Pray that God will be glorified through all of this. He is faithful...He brought me out of an awful marriage and made me into a stronger person because of it...God is really blessing us already though all of this and the peace I feel is truly unbelievable!

Wednesday, January 2, 2013


Guys, Sley and I need urgent prayers...His unemployment has been stopped for 5 weeks (due to a mix up...ugh long story) and there is a large amount of money due on his Grandmother's house next month. God is in control, I know He is...and I know He is using this trial to bring Sley and I closer to Him. So, if I could, can I ask yall to say a prayer? Some how I have a peace about all of it because I know somehow it will be taken care of but your prayers would be appreciated! Surely not a way I thought about starting out 2013 but I am faithful!