Friday, May 31, 2013

The hard one

After we left the Dr’s office after being told our little one most likely would not make it, I was in a complete fog. I could tell a meltdown was just seconds from erupting and tried my best to get to the car without incident. After taking the elevator down 1 floor that felt like took 30 minutes, I rushed to the car, tears streaming down my face. I had worn a mask in the Dr’s office because I was still getting over a cold, so the mask helped camouflage the tears. I get the the car, take off my mask, and lose it. Sley kept saying, “Everything’s going to be alright shug…we will just try again.” I knew he was just trying to comfort me any way that he could but I didn’t want to hear it. He didn’t know the pain my heart I was going through knowing I failed at the one thing I wanted most in my life.

Before we could make it out of the parking lot, I was sobbing. Not the quiet, one tear streaming down your face, praying no one notices, cry. Oh no. This was the hard cry. The one where there is loads of snot, and screams, along with a headache, gasping for air, cries. You know, the ‘good for the soul’ kinda cry where everything in you is completely emptied out on the table for God to sort out because He is the only one in control of your unborn baby’s life.

I just didn’t understand! How could these teenagers have baby after baby, give it up for adoption (if they didn’t decide to abort first), do drugs, smoke and drink, live irresponsibly, but I could be a good Mom for my baby, the baby I have always wanted, but suddenly my baby was going to be taken away. I was angry. I was judgmental. I was hurt. Even though I was angry and hurt, I still believed God had a bigger plan and I trusted Him, even though I didn’t understand. While I questioned God’s motives, I never stopped believing that He loves me. I believe He was in the car with me that day, holding me as I’m sure my husband was freaking out, not knowing how to fix the grief stricken woman sitting next to him. “Be still and KNOW that I am God”…

I didn’t want to go home. I didn’t want reality to set in. I didn’t want to see the baby gifts Sley had given me a few days before to celebrate my first Mother’s Day. I didn’t want to see the baby giraffe I bought for my baby that I held every night, praying. Sley just drove. Sometimes the ride was quiet; sometimes all you heard were my sobs and pleas. I had been sick a few days before and still couldn’t taste anything. I asked Sley to stop at Starbucks. It was hot that day so I asked for a Frappuccino instead of my usual hot White Chocolate Mocha. It was the icing on the cake when I got the drink and couldn’t taste it. We walked in Hobby Lobby and I just remember walking. I was there in body but my heart and mind were somewhere else. I had wanted to go to the Hobby Lobby so much because I heard so many good things about it but now that I was there, I just walked, trying to keep it together so I wouldn’t scare any customers off. All the grief I had taken from others about becoming pregnant, standing up for what I knew was right, I felt was all in vain. I went through all of that for my baby to die.

All afternoon, my phone rang and I never answered a single call. I was with Sley and at that moment, that was all I needed.

We finally made it home and went to bed. I lived the next few days like nothing was wrong. I wasn’t bleeding so maybe God was going to prove these doctors wrong! “Thank you Jesus!” I prayed, “sorry for doubting Your ability to heal!”.

A few nights later as I was getting ready for bed, after going to the bathroom, there it was. Evidence that my baby was no more. I walked to the bedroom and told Sley what was happening. I was freaking out because 1- I had no pads at his house because I moved in when I was pregnant and didn’t need any…2- I had no “regular” undies for the pads to fit in…Sley doesn’t think twice after telling him my “issues”, hops out of bed to get dressed, all while asking me what exactly I needed him to pick me up from Walmart. What a sweet, sweet man. As I was telling me, I got this strong urge of not wanting to be by myself so we both hopped in the car, me with some folded paper towels between my legs, and both head to the store at 11pm. I normally wear tampons and I didn’t feel that tampons were appropriate with this so I headed for the pads. I had not worn pads since middle school so I didn’t know which ones to get. I didn’t know what to expect either so I ended up getting the HUGE pack of extra-long HUGE pads that feel like you have a roll of paper towels between your legs and when you sit, it feels like your crack gets a little extra cushion! Anyway, I thought Sley would have been mortified because I sure was! I headed to buy some granny panties (to which I am almost positive Sley had some smart comment to break the ice). As we are heading out the door from paying, Sley grabs the enormous bag of pads (that were too big for a bag) and lifts them over his head in the parking lot on the way to the car. At that moment, this right here was equivalent to a knight in shining armor showing up on a pretty white horse to rescue me from a tall tower my step mother had locked me in to keep me from going to the ball, with my glass slipper, long hair, and talking dishes.

I didn’t know what to expect. When I first started miscarrying, the only sign I had was in the pad. I didn’t have any pain, just heavy flow. Well, I should’ve knocked on some pretty hard wood because a few days later, the pain hit, and boy did it hit! Every 30 seconds I would have a contraction. I would cry, and shake, and sweat. Sley begged me to call the Dr. on call since it was the weekend and finally I did. I cried on the phone while I was in pain. She prescribed me meds to alleviate some of the pain after I promised to come in the office Monday morning. The few hours between calling the Dr. and getting the meds creeped as I lay in the fetal position on the floor crying in pain as Sley sat frantic; rocking me, whispering that he wished it was he who was going through the pain instead of me. The meds put me in a fog but I was finally able to rest.

That day changed us both. My husband is one heck of a man and I am out of this world lucky to have him by my side. I really believe this brought us closer to one another and God. The weeks following and even now, I still get upset about not having my baby, but I am thankful for a husband who never left my side and continues to keep my head up and my faith in God strong. I know God will grant us the desires of our hearts one day but until then, I will keep believing, loving, thanking, and worshipping Him.

I’m so thankful for the opportunity to reach all of you with my story. I know everyone’s story is different. Some have never been divorced, some have never lost a baby…but I’m sure we all know someone who has. I am by far no way perfect. I am human. I mess up but I don’t try to make myself someone I’m not. My story isn’t pretty and I’m not going to portray it that way because I’m afraid of gossip. People are going to talk and that’s ok! Maybe through the gossip, my story will reach someone who needs it!

I’m going to end with a scripture I have at my desk and a little note I wrote under it. I hope it gives someone hope like it does me!

“Delight thyself also in the Lord; and he shall give thee the desires of thine heart.”

-----The God I serve is more than capable to fill my womb and give Sley and I a child if He so desires!

Tuesday, May 28, 2013

What is up?

I feel like it’s been forever since I’ve blogged!

I’m in my 3rd week at my new job and I love it! I thought the traffic would be bad but I leave early enough where it doesn’t bother me too much. I did go back to the branch last week to be the Fat Cat for Member Appreciation Day and that was fun, but it was HOT. I didn’t realize how much I missed the branch and the people until I went back but I still love my job.

I’ve learned so much already and haven’t even really touched what I’ll be doing. There are slow times but I am thankful for a low stress job.

Last Friday was a year since we lost our little one. I really thought it was going to be worse but I’m leaning on Him and not getting discouraged. Our time will come. The ache is still there and I know I’ll get to see my sweet baby again one day but God is faithful and I’m choosing to keep my head up and focus on Him!

Sley and I took a little trip this past weekend to the Zoo! It was so much fun and the weather was absolutely perfect. Sley had never been before and I remember going a long time ago. We went up the day before and found a room (the last room in that city may I add). I just really enjoyed the down time with my husband and getting the chance to be children and ooh and ahh at the animals we saw. I really cherish that time that he willingly gives me to do things together. Nothing makes me happier than that!

I did realize this weekend that had we had children, our trip wouldn’t have been nearly as fun. I don’t mean that to sound selfish at all, just really being honest. We took our time and didn’t have a true “schedule”. I know our time will come with the kids but I’m so thankful God reminded me what I have in front of me.

I think that’s about all for now! The bible study I had mentioned before in an earlier post that I do with my best friend and another girl has more than doubled in size and we are all so excited to grow with these amazing women! We will be starting soon; if anyone wants to jump on the bandwagon, come on!

Thursday, May 9, 2013

Battle of the Blues

Happy Thursday! I only have 1 and a half days left at my current job, where I started out after college, where I’ve been for 5 years…I would be lying if I said I wasn’t nervous about next week. I almost feel unprepared but I know that once I get my feet in the door then it will all go smoothly.

What’s up with this May weather? I mean, honestly, I’m not complaining…I hate heat, humidity, sweat, mosquitoes, gnats, snakes, bees, wasps, sun burn…you know, everything that comes with Summer, and this past week has been a “not-so-typical May”. I don’t even think the forecasters know what to expect anymore…one day they say rain and its sunny…the next they say sunny and its pouring…At least we are out of a drought, right? This is my fav weather…not too cold but just warm enough that if I leave the A/C off while at work, the house is still pretty cool when I get home!

In other news, Sley is taking me on a Honeymoon coming up in a few weeks and to say I’m EXCITED would certainly be the understatement of the century.

I’m not pregnant. It really is ok. I don’t have any solid promises from God that I will be a Mom and that’s ok too…I can’t say I don’t get disappointed every month, I can’t say that I don’t get defensive, and I can’t say I don’t cry. I am human. When it comes to things I desire in my heart, God has made me wait…every time. It’s easy for me to cry UNFAIR! and pout and sulk at how easy some things come to other people but I do know this: Whatever God has for my future, my journey there is adding up to be one heck of a testimony. I am an empathizer. When someone hurts, I step into their situation and hurt, too. I don’t want anyone experiencing anything heart breaking to be alone and am willing to bring the hurt on myself to be with them. So cry, to question. But in the same, when someone has joy, I step into their situation and experience their joy! God fills my heart to the brim experiencing someone else’s joy…amazing.

So I think my story with divorce, miscarriage, remarriage, husband unemployed and trouble getting pregnant is all combining to further His Kingdom. I have always wondered how I could do God’s work, how I could make a difference…where did I fit in? what was my spiritual gift?? It’s all adding up now through my struggles and loss.

I never finished my story with the miscarriage and the year mark is coming up. I think about my baby in heaven. I remember someone telling me that had also lost a baby, “Andrea, God needed your baby in His Army…how awesome is that?” That is about the only thing that gave me comfort. Sley and I were talking last night about the whole baby thing. I told him, “this sucks”. Yea I know, such Southern Belle of me. My wise husband said, “it does shug but it’s just not His time yet…it will happen one day…I would rather you not get pregnant than have a miscarriage every time…” and he’s right. That miscarriage changed him. He saw me hurt worse than I’ve ever hurt in my life and there was nothing he could do but hold me and rock me through the pain. Contraction after contraction, with no baby to make up for the hurt.

And really, if I’m honest with myself, I love and value my relationship with SLEEP a little too much and I’m not ready to break up yet. My husband would probably tell you I love sleep more than I love him! I kid..well..I love them both equal but if I’m sleeping and my husband calls in the morning before my alarm like this morning, I choose sleep over answering the phone…

So until God decides it’s “our time” and I wean myself from my extra marital affair with sleep, I will keep praying and furthering my testimony. I would rather do God’s will and help another person than to selfishly want a child. I have a baby in heaven I will spend eternity with so I will keep my eyes on Him trusting that in my heart!

“Bring me joy, bring me peace

Bring the chance to be free

Bring me anything that brings You glory

And I know there'll be days

When this life brings me pain

But if that's what it takes to praise You

Jesus, bring the rain