Thursday, May 9, 2013

Battle of the Blues

Happy Thursday! I only have 1 and a half days left at my current job, where I started out after college, where I’ve been for 5 years…I would be lying if I said I wasn’t nervous about next week. I almost feel unprepared but I know that once I get my feet in the door then it will all go smoothly.

What’s up with this May weather? I mean, honestly, I’m not complaining…I hate heat, humidity, sweat, mosquitoes, gnats, snakes, bees, wasps, sun burn…you know, everything that comes with Summer, and this past week has been a “not-so-typical May”. I don’t even think the forecasters know what to expect anymore…one day they say rain and its sunny…the next they say sunny and its pouring…At least we are out of a drought, right? This is my fav weather…not too cold but just warm enough that if I leave the A/C off while at work, the house is still pretty cool when I get home!

In other news, Sley is taking me on a Honeymoon coming up in a few weeks and to say I’m EXCITED would certainly be the understatement of the century.

I’m not pregnant. It really is ok. I don’t have any solid promises from God that I will be a Mom and that’s ok too…I can’t say I don’t get disappointed every month, I can’t say that I don’t get defensive, and I can’t say I don’t cry. I am human. When it comes to things I desire in my heart, God has made me wait…every time. It’s easy for me to cry UNFAIR! and pout and sulk at how easy some things come to other people but I do know this: Whatever God has for my future, my journey there is adding up to be one heck of a testimony. I am an empathizer. When someone hurts, I step into their situation and hurt, too. I don’t want anyone experiencing anything heart breaking to be alone and am willing to bring the hurt on myself to be with them. So cry, to question. But in the same, when someone has joy, I step into their situation and experience their joy! God fills my heart to the brim experiencing someone else’s joy…amazing.

So I think my story with divorce, miscarriage, remarriage, husband unemployed and trouble getting pregnant is all combining to further His Kingdom. I have always wondered how I could do God’s work, how I could make a difference…where did I fit in? what was my spiritual gift?? It’s all adding up now through my struggles and loss.

I never finished my story with the miscarriage and the year mark is coming up. I think about my baby in heaven. I remember someone telling me that had also lost a baby, “Andrea, God needed your baby in His Army…how awesome is that?” That is about the only thing that gave me comfort. Sley and I were talking last night about the whole baby thing. I told him, “this sucks”. Yea I know, such Southern Belle of me. My wise husband said, “it does shug but it’s just not His time yet…it will happen one day…I would rather you not get pregnant than have a miscarriage every time…” and he’s right. That miscarriage changed him. He saw me hurt worse than I’ve ever hurt in my life and there was nothing he could do but hold me and rock me through the pain. Contraction after contraction, with no baby to make up for the hurt.

And really, if I’m honest with myself, I love and value my relationship with SLEEP a little too much and I’m not ready to break up yet. My husband would probably tell you I love sleep more than I love him! I kid..well..I love them both equal but if I’m sleeping and my husband calls in the morning before my alarm like this morning, I choose sleep over answering the phone…

So until God decides it’s “our time” and I wean myself from my extra marital affair with sleep, I will keep praying and furthering my testimony. I would rather do God’s will and help another person than to selfishly want a child. I have a baby in heaven I will spend eternity with so I will keep my eyes on Him trusting that in my heart!

“Bring me joy, bring me peace

Bring the chance to be free

Bring me anything that brings You glory

And I know there'll be days

When this life brings me pain

But if that's what it takes to praise You

Jesus, bring the rain

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