then and now

October 25, 2008


Once I got out of Lauren's car and shook the water off my feet from stepping into the puddle at the church, we headed in. I walked into a classroom where I would be transformed into the princess I had imagined myself on my perfect wedding day. Paige had brought me a sausage biscuit to force down while Anna, my sorority sister, was doing my hair, and Tracy, my long time confidant, was doing my make up. Excitement was in the air as all 10 of my bridesmaids were furiously getting dolled up for my big day. I sat, getting pushed and pulled which way, wondering what my soon to be hubby was doing. I had written in a card for him and told him I hoped he would do the same for me, as I told him stories of other brides getting jewelry and such from their soon-to-be husband. I send the card with my ringbearer and my heart dropped when my little messenger came back empty handed. Not even a note on a napkin. I should've known then how selffish he was but surely I couldn't back out now! I was an hour away from walking down the aisle in front of my 20+ wedding party and 250+ attendees! My family had put too much money into making my dreams come true to just throw it away. If I was going to call it off, I should have done it by now. It was too late.

Mom came in with my wedding dress and the photographer was there taking pictures of all of us putting our finishing touches together. I told myself, "I am not going to be that bride that once she gets in her wedding dress, has to instantly go pee..." Well, it happened, but worse. I got in my dress and had to pee. I had started my period that Tuesday and thought I was done but apparently I wasnt so not only did my best friend Paige, my big sister in my sorority Heather, and my future sister-in-law have to help me hold my dress as I peed, but also had to witness the insertion of a glorious tampon! bahah!

Once the fiasco of the potty incident was taken care of, we were all wisked away to the sanctuary where we took pictures before the wedding. We rented a church down the road from my parents house. It was huge and absolutely beautiful! The aisle didnt split down the middle; there were 2 aisles, so I went down one with my daddy and came up the other with my husband. All the pictures were done except with bride and groom together so it wouldn't waste time getting to the reception.

Pictures were taken and people started arriving. I always wanted a picture of me and Brandon, back to back at a wall or door, so the photographer brought him to me. As soon as I touched his hand, I started crying. I was nervous and still disappointed from that morning. I knew in my heart it wasn't right but I don't give up. I could make this work. One picture was taken and I had to get my make up touched up by someone else because Tracy was singing in my wedding and had already sat down. One of my bridesmaids had a nerve pill so I took that. Michelle, my sorority sister, had been alerted on her way to the wedding, of my meltdown and brought a 40 of Bud Light in the room we were in. I'm not proud but looking back I chuckle. We nonchalantly shut the door and passed it around. Everyone partakened, even my mom! haha

We line up, and each bridesmaid is escorted down with a groomsman, one by one. Dad walks beside me and chuckles, "you still have time to run..." If only I would have taken him up on that....

He knew I was nervous so to make me laugh, he opened his coat to his tux and showed me his stash of airplane bottles, neatly lined in his pocket. I cracked up!

It was my turn. We slowly walked down the aisle. I remember everyone looking at me but I just needed to see Brandon's face. I needed to see his face for reassurance. I needed some kind of sign. I finally caught a glimpe and just focussed on making my way to be with him.

My bridesmaids and I all wore our rainbow flip flops so I had to make sure I didnt trip! Dad gives me away, forgets to kiss my cheek, comes back for a peck, and wah lah! Next thing I know, we are hitched!

Brandon and I meet the preacher in another room, sign the wedding license really quick, then run back to finish taking pictures.

Once we take pictures, we go to the reception, where EVERYONE is waiting for us. We had to park right at the door in the grass and there was hardly any room to even get in the door! The keg was empty when we got there but someone did end up saving us a half of a cup each.

We danced, we talked, we took pictures, we cut the cake. It was all a blur. I never saw the ice sculptures and never got to eat a morsel of food. Next thing I know, we are getting told it was time for us to leave!!! Everyone blew bubbles as we got into my car that had been graffitied and had beer cans tied to the back.

We headed to my grandparents house where I got out of my princess gown and got into a tshirt and stretch pants. We went to my parents house where we had a "after reception party." BEST IDEA EVER. The DJ came, we had another keg and lots of liquor, and a bartender! It was so much fun just being laid back and listening to the music.

Midnight came and my brother took Brandon and I to a nearby hotel to spend our first night as husband and wife.

My wedding was beautiful. The bridesmaids dresses were gorgeous, my dress was out of this world, and the sunflowers that the girls walked down the aisle holding, were breathtaking. The day I had dreamed of had come to an end and I couldn't wait to see what the future held for Brandon and I as husband and wife...



October 25, 2012


Today I sit reflecting on 4 years that have gone by. There were happy times and for that I am sad that there had to be such bad ones. Today snuck up on me. It wasn't until yesterday afternoon that I realized Brandon and I would've celebrated 4 years of marriage today. I cried last night; not because I would ever want to be back in such an awful relationship, but because of what a terrible waste of what the good times were.

I am so unbelievably happy with Sley. I couldn't ask for a better man in my life. He is so understanding of this whole process for me and is so supportive of my feelings. I can't wait for what the future holds with he and I and I can't wait to share with ya'll!

If you think about it, say a quick prayer for me today. Sley is going to take me to dinner tonight because he knows today is a hard day for me, not because I don't love him and not because he doesn't make me happy because he knows that isnt true, but because I have 4 years of memories, 4 years of damage, 4 years of baggage, that is pouring down on me today.