Monday, October 22, 2012

New Beginnings

So after Brandon left, I entered a very dark place. I remember everything but I don't remember much about the month of November. The day I left work early and told Brandon to meet me at home, I got Dixie, took her to my parents and headed back to wait. I waited and waited. Brandon wouldn't answer my phone calls so me being desperate, I called Traci. She went off on me when I asked her if Brandon was with her. At that point, I didn't care if he had gone to see her, I just wanted to get this over with.

Later that afternoon, Brandon pulled up. I was sitting outside around the firepit we had just recently bought. By that time, I was second guessing my sudden bravery of telling him I couldn't do it anymore. When I got home, I had it planned out what I was going to say and such but by the time he got home, I was a huge puddle of nerves begging for my unfaithful husband to stay! How was I going to make it by myself? We had acquired so much debt (mostly me buying things to try to make him happy/stay/not cheat) that I could not pay for everything by myself! I was so scared. I don't like things that are out of schedule. I like knowing exactly what I am doing and getting myself into. I like preparation. I had NO IDEA what was going to happen to me!

Brandon got out of the car and came to sit with me. He showed no emotion. No matter how much I pleaded to work things out, he wanted out. All he said was, "Andrea, it just didn't work out!" He told me he didn't love me anymore. My world was closing in on me. I went inside and took my wedding portrait off the wall, the picture where I was so happy, so innocent. I helped him bag up some essentials. He called his family and told them he was coming home. He asked me if he could take Dixie, that I had Ranger and he had nothing. I told him this was his choice, he was leaving us behind! He shed a few tears trying to change my mind about who got Dixie and once that didnt work, he left.

I got in the car and headed to my parents. I walked in the door to my parents house, numb. I went straight to my parents bedroom and fell into my daddy's arms as I wailed. I had kept it together for so long and I couldnt do it anymore.

Two weeks before, I told my parents everything. I knew my marriage was coming to an end and I needed my parents. My mom was livid. My dad was angry but knew his little girl was hurting and was more worried about me. Victor couldn't talk about it. So many times before I told my parents, I went crying to Victor, all the while he just listened. He couldnt look at me and the more I told him, the more I saw his fist clenching. The day Brandon left, we all knew it was coming but didn't know exactly when.

After sobbing in my daddy's arms and listening to my mom tell me how much better off I was going to be, Victor rode with me back to my house to spend the night with me. I opened the door and went straight to bed.

The next day, I went to work, and surprisingly, I held it together all day. It was weird not calling Brandon or texting him throughout the day. My coworkers were there for support but the less I talked about it, the less I got upset. I came home that day and we headed to my dad's side of the family for my cousins wedding. As soon I walked in the door to my parents house after holding my anguish in all day, I lost it. I walked in the door and just fell apart in the kitchen. My bags were already packed, courtesy of my mom, and all we had to do was get in the car. I was given a nerve pill and finally calmed down 10 minutes in the trip.

We got to my aunt and uncle's house. They were forewarned of what was going on. The next morning, my mom, aunt, cousin, and I headed to a nearby sunflower field to get decorations for the reception. It was beautiful! We headed to the barn where the reception was going to be held and we decorated and ran home to change clothes. The reception was a big pig picking with a DJ and a dance floor. While in the buffet line getting my dinner, my cousin asked where Brandon was and all I could do was shake my head as a tear drop fell. I wasn't eating much, I just didn't have an appetite. I actually quit eating before Brandon left when he told me the reason he didn't want to have sex with me was because I was too fat. As I sat down with samples of food, mom slipped me another nerve pill and I tried to swallow down everything that was on my plate.

Later in the evening, I had moved tables to sit with my mom and another cousin. The bride and groom had cut the cake and I was trying to force down what I had on my plate. My cousin looked at me and said, "where is Brandon? He not do weddings?" and I just looked at her as tears began to flow and simply stated, "no, he doesn't do me." I kept eating with hot tears streaming down my face. Mom starts crying as she explains to my cousin, who is utterly embarrassed, what happened the night before. Mom doesn't cry but she couldn't take me being upset anymore. One minute I was fine, the next I would fall apart. That night I tried to get drunk. I tried drinking my sorrows away but no matter how much alcohol I consumed, the pain was still there.

That is really all I remember about November. Paige, my best friend, tried to talk to me but I didn't want to talk to anyone. She texted me and said that she wasn't good at this stuff, that she wanted me to know she was there for me but she didn't want to push too hard. I woke up, went to work, came home, and went to bed, everyday, and if my mom was lucky, she got a spoonful of food down my throat. Since I wasn't eating, mom made me take vitamins. I moved back home because honestly, the last thing I needed was to be alone.

Days passed, Brandon came to retrieve more of his belongings, and somehow I made it. Finances were handled through my lawyer. I met with Brandon to figure things out. He kept acting like he wanted to get back together and then when he got my hopes up of having my husband back, he crushed me again.

I went to get my hair done by my sorority sister who had gone through something similar not too long before me. She mentioned one of her friends that was a guy who she was going to set me up with. He was a teacher and nerd. I was excited! It had only been a month since Brandon had left but I needed to get out of the house. Numbers were exchanged and we decided to meet for dinner. Going on a date was hard, and awkward, but it helped me a lot with my self esteem. Things didn't work out with this particular guy but it was nice to get back out there and keep my mind off of things.

A few months later, my friend at work's cousin would come into where I work all the time and flirt with most of the girls. He never really talked to me and I didn't have time for his nonsense, plus he was very cute and I never thought he would ever give me the time of day! All that changed when a few weeks later, my friend came in and told me that Sley, her cousin, had asked about me. I gave her my number to give to him.

The next day was Valentine's Day. Ugh. My first time being single since 2006. I was currently dating a guy I had gone to college with but I knew it wasn't going anywhere, especially when I found out he was moving that next month. Sley came into the bank that day and I was flustered! I never get embarrassed! Before he left the bank, he said, "youre going to be my valentine!" and walked out. I joked with my friend and said, "ha! then where are my flowers?!"

If I only knew where that day would take me months down the road...

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