With all the pain I felt from Brandon's lies and manipulations, I cried and pleaded with God, asking, "Why? Why, God, would you allow your child to be crushed like this? Why won't you show him who is boss? Why, Daddy, won't you stand up for me?" I've had to swallow my pride, as a child of God, and realize my Maker made us both. Everyone sins and Brandon hurting me like he did isn't any worse than me hurting someone else, even if it wasn't him.
After Brandon left, I had people tell me, "He will get what is coming to him," and I believed them. To be honest, I wanted him to get it. I said I forgave him but honestly, if I forgave him completely, wouldn't that erase all hopes of him "getting what he deserves"?
I thought that since Brandon hurt me the way he did, my life would be great and his would suck. Good things were coming my way and bad was following him. I had pictured God holding this umbrella over my head, catching all of the bad stuff from happening to me while Brandon was getting rained on. This is such bad theology and my CU professors are probably regurgitating a past meal just reading what 3 years of school I did have blow up on this page.
I remember sitting in front of the TV watching Joel Osteen. He was talking about Moses and Pharoah and how God hardened Pharoah's heart. I believe God is still on His thrown and He is still in control of it all. There is a reason Brandon is continually allowed to lie and manipulate but I have got to let go.
Tomorrow has been creeping up on me all week. Friday I started freaking out and texted my best friend, Paige. If you remember from a past post, Paige and I have a special relationship where we tell each other the UGLY truth. I had found out some unsettling news (to me), add that to the fact Sley got laid off from his job this past week and I was about to lose it!
Here is how it went:
Me: I feel a breakdown coming on
Paige: Oh no! Why?
Me: Sley without a job and I found something out...
Paige: You have got to stop thinking about Brandon and Traci! That is adding to stress. You have to leave that at the trailer. Keeping that in your head is why you are worried about Sley. B is your past. Let the past stay in the past! After Nov 6 hopefully you never have to see or speak to him again. Sley will find a new job, it may take a few days or weeks but something will come up. Sorry for the novel. Lol! I love you! I dont want to see you continue to stress over Brandon. You can't change him, Traci can't, his 15 other gfs can't. He's a cheating bastard and he wills always be a cheating bastard. And continuing to think about all of this is going to give you an anxiety attack.
Tomorrow morning, I'm supposed to meet Brandon at my work to get papers notarized then we head to the courthouse to file, him to get served, and he turns in a notarized paper stating he waves his 30 days. If he doesn't show, I go in the morning to file for divorce and have to serve him papers and wait 30 days. Either way, it is going to be ok.
I talked to a friend on my FB who has her own landscaping company, telling her about Sley getting laid off. He goes in the morning to see if he can get a job with her. Either way, it's going to be ok and God is still in control.
So I'm letting it go of all this anxiety and stress, God. I know You are in control and You can handle this a heck of a lot better than I can. I have no control. If Brandon shows up or not tomorrow morning, I will still file for divorce. I know if he doesn't show, then the timing was all Your plan. Sley goes in the morning to interview and You are in control of that too. Thank You, Lord, for being big enough to handle this for me. Thank you for allowing me to depend on You. I love You.