After we left the Dr’s office after being told our little one most likely would not make it, I was in a complete fog. I could tell a meltdown was just seconds from erupting and tried my best to get to the car without incident. After taking the elevator down 1 floor that felt like took 30 minutes, I rushed to the car, tears streaming down my face. I had worn a mask in the Dr’s office because I was still getting over a cold, so the mask helped camouflage the tears. I get the the car, take off my mask, and lose it. Sley kept saying, “Everything’s going to be alright shug…we will just try again.” I knew he was just trying to comfort me any way that he could but I didn’t want to hear it. He didn’t know the pain my heart I was going through knowing I failed at the one thing I wanted most in my life.
Before we could make it out of the parking lot, I was sobbing. Not the quiet, one tear streaming down your face, praying no one notices, cry. Oh no. This was the hard cry. The one where there is loads of snot, and screams, along with a headache, gasping for air, cries. You know, the ‘good for the soul’ kinda cry where everything in you is completely emptied out on the table for God to sort out because He is the only one in control of your unborn baby’s life.
I just didn’t understand! How could these teenagers have baby after baby, give it up for adoption (if they didn’t decide to abort first), do drugs, smoke and drink, live irresponsibly, but I could be a good Mom for my baby, the baby I have always wanted, but suddenly my baby was going to be taken away. I was angry. I was judgmental. I was hurt. Even though I was angry and hurt, I still believed God had a bigger plan and I trusted Him, even though I didn’t understand. While I questioned God’s motives, I never stopped believing that He loves me. I believe He was in the car with me that day, holding me as I’m sure my husband was freaking out, not knowing how to fix the grief stricken woman sitting next to him. “Be still and KNOW that I am God”…
I didn’t want to go home. I didn’t want reality to set in. I didn’t want to see the baby gifts Sley had given me a few days before to celebrate my first Mother’s Day. I didn’t want to see the baby giraffe I bought for my baby that I held every night, praying. Sley just drove. Sometimes the ride was quiet; sometimes all you heard were my sobs and pleas. I had been sick a few days before and still couldn’t taste anything. I asked Sley to stop at Starbucks. It was hot that day so I asked for a Frappuccino instead of my usual hot White Chocolate Mocha. It was the icing on the cake when I got the drink and couldn’t taste it. We walked in Hobby Lobby and I just remember walking. I was there in body but my heart and mind were somewhere else. I had wanted to go to the Hobby Lobby so much because I heard so many good things about it but now that I was there, I just walked, trying to keep it together so I wouldn’t scare any customers off. All the grief I had taken from others about becoming pregnant, standing up for what I knew was right, I felt was all in vain. I went through all of that for my baby to die.
All afternoon, my phone rang and I never answered a single call. I was with Sley and at that moment, that was all I needed.
We finally made it home and went to bed. I lived the next few days like nothing was wrong. I wasn’t bleeding so maybe God was going to prove these doctors wrong! “Thank you Jesus!” I prayed, “sorry for doubting Your ability to heal!”.
A few nights later as I was getting ready for bed, after going to the bathroom, there it was. Evidence that my baby was no more. I walked to the bedroom and told Sley what was happening. I was freaking out because 1- I had no pads at his house because I moved in when I was pregnant and didn’t need any…2- I had no “regular” undies for the pads to fit in…Sley doesn’t think twice after telling him my “issues”, hops out of bed to get dressed, all while asking me what exactly I needed him to pick me up from Walmart. What a sweet, sweet man. As I was telling me, I got this strong urge of not wanting to be by myself so we both hopped in the car, me with some folded paper towels between my legs, and both head to the store at 11pm. I normally wear tampons and I didn’t feel that tampons were appropriate with this so I headed for the pads. I had not worn pads since middle school so I didn’t know which ones to get. I didn’t know what to expect either so I ended up getting the HUGE pack of extra-long HUGE pads that feel like you have a roll of paper towels between your legs and when you sit, it feels like your crack gets a little extra cushion! Anyway, I thought Sley would have been mortified because I sure was! I headed to buy some granny panties (to which I am almost positive Sley had some smart comment to break the ice). As we are heading out the door from paying, Sley grabs the enormous bag of pads (that were too big for a bag) and lifts them over his head in the parking lot on the way to the car. At that moment, this right here was equivalent to a knight in shining armor showing up on a pretty white horse to rescue me from a tall tower my step mother had locked me in to keep me from going to the ball, with my glass slipper, long hair, and talking dishes.
I didn’t know what to expect. When I first started miscarrying, the only sign I had was in the pad. I didn’t have any pain, just heavy flow. Well, I should’ve knocked on some pretty hard wood because a few days later, the pain hit, and boy did it hit! Every 30 seconds I would have a contraction. I would cry, and shake, and sweat. Sley begged me to call the Dr. on call since it was the weekend and finally I did. I cried on the phone while I was in pain. She prescribed me meds to alleviate some of the pain after I promised to come in the office Monday morning. The few hours between calling the Dr. and getting the meds creeped as I lay in the fetal position on the floor crying in pain as Sley sat frantic; rocking me, whispering that he wished it was he who was going through the pain instead of me. The meds put me in a fog but I was finally able to rest.
That day changed us both. My husband is one heck of a man and I am out of this world lucky to have him by my side. I really believe this brought us closer to one another and God. The weeks following and even now, I still get upset about not having my baby, but I am thankful for a husband who never left my side and continues to keep my head up and my faith in God strong. I know God will grant us the desires of our hearts one day but until then, I will keep believing, loving, thanking, and worshipping Him.
I’m so thankful for the opportunity to reach all of you with my story. I know everyone’s story is different. Some have never been divorced, some have never lost a baby…but I’m sure we all know someone who has. I am by far no way perfect. I am human. I mess up but I don’t try to make myself someone I’m not. My story isn’t pretty and I’m not going to portray it that way because I’m afraid of gossip. People are going to talk and that’s ok! Maybe through the gossip, my story will reach someone who needs it!
I’m going to end with a scripture I have at my desk and a little note I wrote under it. I hope it gives someone hope like it does me!
“Delight thyself also in the Lord; and he shall give thee the desires of thine heart.”
-----The God I serve is more than capable to fill my womb and give Sley and I a child if He so desires!
Friday, May 31, 2013
Tuesday, May 28, 2013
What is up?
I feel like it’s been forever since I’ve blogged!
I’m in my 3rd week at my new job and I love it! I thought the traffic would be bad but I leave early enough where it doesn’t bother me too much. I did go back to the branch last week to be the Fat Cat for Member Appreciation Day and that was fun, but it was HOT. I didn’t realize how much I missed the branch and the people until I went back but I still love my job.
I’ve learned so much already and haven’t even really touched what I’ll be doing. There are slow times but I am thankful for a low stress job.
Last Friday was a year since we lost our little one. I really thought it was going to be worse but I’m leaning on Him and not getting discouraged. Our time will come. The ache is still there and I know I’ll get to see my sweet baby again one day but God is faithful and I’m choosing to keep my head up and focus on Him!
Sley and I took a little trip this past weekend to the Zoo! It was so much fun and the weather was absolutely perfect. Sley had never been before and I remember going a long time ago. We went up the day before and found a room (the last room in that city may I add). I just really enjoyed the down time with my husband and getting the chance to be children and ooh and ahh at the animals we saw. I really cherish that time that he willingly gives me to do things together. Nothing makes me happier than that!
I did realize this weekend that had we had children, our trip wouldn’t have been nearly as fun. I don’t mean that to sound selfish at all, just really being honest. We took our time and didn’t have a true “schedule”. I know our time will come with the kids but I’m so thankful God reminded me what I have in front of me.
I think that’s about all for now! The bible study I had mentioned before in an earlier post that I do with my best friend and another girl has more than doubled in size and we are all so excited to grow with these amazing women! We will be starting soon; if anyone wants to jump on the bandwagon, come on!
I’m in my 3rd week at my new job and I love it! I thought the traffic would be bad but I leave early enough where it doesn’t bother me too much. I did go back to the branch last week to be the Fat Cat for Member Appreciation Day and that was fun, but it was HOT. I didn’t realize how much I missed the branch and the people until I went back but I still love my job.
I’ve learned so much already and haven’t even really touched what I’ll be doing. There are slow times but I am thankful for a low stress job.
Last Friday was a year since we lost our little one. I really thought it was going to be worse but I’m leaning on Him and not getting discouraged. Our time will come. The ache is still there and I know I’ll get to see my sweet baby again one day but God is faithful and I’m choosing to keep my head up and focus on Him!
Sley and I took a little trip this past weekend to the Zoo! It was so much fun and the weather was absolutely perfect. Sley had never been before and I remember going a long time ago. We went up the day before and found a room (the last room in that city may I add). I just really enjoyed the down time with my husband and getting the chance to be children and ooh and ahh at the animals we saw. I really cherish that time that he willingly gives me to do things together. Nothing makes me happier than that!
I did realize this weekend that had we had children, our trip wouldn’t have been nearly as fun. I don’t mean that to sound selfish at all, just really being honest. We took our time and didn’t have a true “schedule”. I know our time will come with the kids but I’m so thankful God reminded me what I have in front of me.
I think that’s about all for now! The bible study I had mentioned before in an earlier post that I do with my best friend and another girl has more than doubled in size and we are all so excited to grow with these amazing women! We will be starting soon; if anyone wants to jump on the bandwagon, come on!
Thursday, May 9, 2013
Battle of the Blues
Happy Thursday! I only have 1 and a half days left at my current job, where I started out after college, where I’ve been for 5 years…I would be lying if I said I wasn’t nervous about next week. I almost feel unprepared but I know that once I get my feet in the door then it will all go smoothly.
What’s up with this May weather? I mean, honestly, I’m not complaining…I hate heat, humidity, sweat, mosquitoes, gnats, snakes, bees, wasps, sun burn…you know, everything that comes with Summer, and this past week has been a “not-so-typical May”. I don’t even think the forecasters know what to expect anymore…one day they say rain and its sunny…the next they say sunny and its pouring…At least we are out of a drought, right? This is my fav weather…not too cold but just warm enough that if I leave the A/C off while at work, the house is still pretty cool when I get home!
In other news, Sley is taking me on a Honeymoon coming up in a few weeks and to say I’m EXCITED would certainly be the understatement of the century.
I’m not pregnant. It really is ok. I don’t have any solid promises from God that I will be a Mom and that’s ok too…I can’t say I don’t get disappointed every month, I can’t say that I don’t get defensive, and I can’t say I don’t cry. I am human. When it comes to things I desire in my heart, God has made me wait…every time. It’s easy for me to cry UNFAIR! and pout and sulk at how easy some things come to other people but I do know this: Whatever God has for my future, my journey there is adding up to be one heck of a testimony. I am an empathizer. When someone hurts, I step into their situation and hurt, too. I don’t want anyone experiencing anything heart breaking to be alone and am willing to bring the hurt on myself to be with them. So cry, to question. But in the same, when someone has joy, I step into their situation and experience their joy! God fills my heart to the brim experiencing someone else’s joy…amazing.
So I think my story with divorce, miscarriage, remarriage, husband unemployed and trouble getting pregnant is all combining to further His Kingdom. I have always wondered how I could do God’s work, how I could make a difference…where did I fit in? what was my spiritual gift?? It’s all adding up now through my struggles and loss.
I never finished my story with the miscarriage and the year mark is coming up. I think about my baby in heaven. I remember someone telling me that had also lost a baby, “Andrea, God needed your baby in His Army…how awesome is that?” That is about the only thing that gave me comfort. Sley and I were talking last night about the whole baby thing. I told him, “this sucks”. Yea I know, such Southern Belle of me. My wise husband said, “it does shug but it’s just not His time yet…it will happen one day…I would rather you not get pregnant than have a miscarriage every time…” and he’s right. That miscarriage changed him. He saw me hurt worse than I’ve ever hurt in my life and there was nothing he could do but hold me and rock me through the pain. Contraction after contraction, with no baby to make up for the hurt.
And really, if I’m honest with myself, I love and value my relationship with SLEEP a little too much and I’m not ready to break up yet. My husband would probably tell you I love sleep more than I love him! I kid..well..I love them both equal but if I’m sleeping and my husband calls in the morning before my alarm like this morning, I choose sleep over answering the phone…
So until God decides it’s “our time” and I wean myself from my extra marital affair with sleep, I will keep praying and furthering my testimony. I would rather do God’s will and help another person than to selfishly want a child. I have a baby in heaven I will spend eternity with so I will keep my eyes on Him trusting that in my heart!
“Bring me joy, bring me peace
Bring the chance to be free
Bring me anything that brings You glory
And I know there'll be days
When this life brings me pain
But if that's what it takes to praise You
Jesus, bring the rain”
What’s up with this May weather? I mean, honestly, I’m not complaining…I hate heat, humidity, sweat, mosquitoes, gnats, snakes, bees, wasps, sun burn…you know, everything that comes with Summer, and this past week has been a “not-so-typical May”. I don’t even think the forecasters know what to expect anymore…one day they say rain and its sunny…the next they say sunny and its pouring…At least we are out of a drought, right? This is my fav weather…not too cold but just warm enough that if I leave the A/C off while at work, the house is still pretty cool when I get home!
In other news, Sley is taking me on a Honeymoon coming up in a few weeks and to say I’m EXCITED would certainly be the understatement of the century.
I’m not pregnant. It really is ok. I don’t have any solid promises from God that I will be a Mom and that’s ok too…I can’t say I don’t get disappointed every month, I can’t say that I don’t get defensive, and I can’t say I don’t cry. I am human. When it comes to things I desire in my heart, God has made me wait…every time. It’s easy for me to cry UNFAIR! and pout and sulk at how easy some things come to other people but I do know this: Whatever God has for my future, my journey there is adding up to be one heck of a testimony. I am an empathizer. When someone hurts, I step into their situation and hurt, too. I don’t want anyone experiencing anything heart breaking to be alone and am willing to bring the hurt on myself to be with them. So cry, to question. But in the same, when someone has joy, I step into their situation and experience their joy! God fills my heart to the brim experiencing someone else’s joy…amazing.
So I think my story with divorce, miscarriage, remarriage, husband unemployed and trouble getting pregnant is all combining to further His Kingdom. I have always wondered how I could do God’s work, how I could make a difference…where did I fit in? what was my spiritual gift?? It’s all adding up now through my struggles and loss.
I never finished my story with the miscarriage and the year mark is coming up. I think about my baby in heaven. I remember someone telling me that had also lost a baby, “Andrea, God needed your baby in His Army…how awesome is that?” That is about the only thing that gave me comfort. Sley and I were talking last night about the whole baby thing. I told him, “this sucks”. Yea I know, such Southern Belle of me. My wise husband said, “it does shug but it’s just not His time yet…it will happen one day…I would rather you not get pregnant than have a miscarriage every time…” and he’s right. That miscarriage changed him. He saw me hurt worse than I’ve ever hurt in my life and there was nothing he could do but hold me and rock me through the pain. Contraction after contraction, with no baby to make up for the hurt.
And really, if I’m honest with myself, I love and value my relationship with SLEEP a little too much and I’m not ready to break up yet. My husband would probably tell you I love sleep more than I love him! I kid..well..I love them both equal but if I’m sleeping and my husband calls in the morning before my alarm like this morning, I choose sleep over answering the phone…
So until God decides it’s “our time” and I wean myself from my extra marital affair with sleep, I will keep praying and furthering my testimony. I would rather do God’s will and help another person than to selfishly want a child. I have a baby in heaven I will spend eternity with so I will keep my eyes on Him trusting that in my heart!
“Bring me joy, bring me peace
Bring the chance to be free
Bring me anything that brings You glory
And I know there'll be days
When this life brings me pain
But if that's what it takes to praise You
Jesus, bring the rain”
Monday, April 29, 2013
Baby Names, Hair, & Vacation
I bet a have a record number of readers from this post soley because of the "baby names" in the title!
The answer to your question..."Right now, I don't know...I'll let ya know in a week or so" ha!
Before I get started on my post coming from Kelly's Korner I wanted to say I am so thankful for you all, my readers. Your messages and comments mean so much to me. I know I am not alone in any part of my journey because I know God is with me and I know some of you struggle with the same things I struggle(d) with. Know that I appreciate each and every comment and prayer you send my way and I don't take any of it for granted!!!
Baby Names
So when I was younger, I would only come up with girl names because I just KNEW I was going to have a little girl one day...but when I got pregnant I picked a boy name. I love Baker Sley. "Baker" was Sley's mom's maiden name and "Sley" for obvious reasons...At first Sley wasn't thrilled but it grew on him. I still worry about when I get pregnant again and find out it's a boy, can I still use Baker since I had a miscarraige? What do yall think?
I have so many girls names I like that if we ever have a girl, I'm going to have a hard time choosing.
The answer to your question..."Right now, I don't know...I'll let ya know in a week or so" ha!
Before I get started on my post coming from Kelly's Korner I wanted to say I am so thankful for you all, my readers. Your messages and comments mean so much to me. I know I am not alone in any part of my journey because I know God is with me and I know some of you struggle with the same things I struggle(d) with. Know that I appreciate each and every comment and prayer you send my way and I don't take any of it for granted!!!
Baby Names
So when I was younger, I would only come up with girl names because I just KNEW I was going to have a little girl one day...but when I got pregnant I picked a boy name. I love Baker Sley. "Baker" was Sley's mom's maiden name and "Sley" for obvious reasons...At first Sley wasn't thrilled but it grew on him. I still worry about when I get pregnant again and find out it's a boy, can I still use Baker since I had a miscarraige? What do yall think?
I have so many girls names I like that if we ever have a girl, I'm going to have a hard time choosing.
Marilyn (my grandmothers 1st name, me & my mom's middle name)
Catherine (Sley's mom's name and my paternal great grandmother's name)
Elizabeth (my paternal grandmother's name) (unfortunately this name has left a bad taste in my mouth seeing as this is the name of the 16 year old my ex husband cheated on me with...)
Correnna (my materal great great grandfather's middle name)
I like a lot more girl names but I'm a huge fan of family names, especially since I found out my first name came from a character on General Hospital in the 80's...thanks Mom. I am also a fan of names from the Bible, especially for boys...Noah, Jonah & Luke if I have triplets (because that's the only way I will be having 3 lol)
What are some of your faves?
Hair
So let me be real for a sec...I get my hair done about twice a year, cut & color...my color does a pretty good job staying fresh for the most part for 6 months and after getting my hair cut, in 6 months it's unmanagable. I know some of you go religiously every 4-6 weeks and thats great! but I feel guilty throwing $100 in my hair more than 2 times a year and I'm not brave enough to color it myself!
Girls Vacations
If I could go anywhere for a "girl's only vacation" I would go on a cruise to the Bahamas! Don't think Paige and I havent already thought of that!! Paige and I try to go atleast once a year on a girl's weekend trip to the mountains or beach so that's fun too but a cruise would be AMAZING! Maybe next year lol
Feel free to join in!!! Happy Monday! :)
Thursday, April 25, 2013
Finally!
Before I get to the meat of my post let me start out by saying:
Sorry for the delay of posts! It's been busy around the "Whitley Household" as my husband refers to our humble abode.
For example: I'll have an attitude about God knows what...like running out of cereal...and I'll bite Sley's head off about it because I shouldve gone to the grocery the night before (yea I know...Wife of the year award RIGHT HERE!) any way, he will just laugh at me and say, "NUH UH We dont be having attitudes in the Whitley Household!"
It's the simple things.
Our calendar has been FULL and anything life altering you've basically seen on Facebook already!
One thing that has changed that I havent really elaborated about recently is my change in occupations! May 13 I start a new job!
I love my coworkers...most of us get together outside of work so to say that I'm going to miss them will truly be an understatement. I have been at the branch where I am now for almost 5 years so I'm a little nervous about moving intermal. Where I am going there are no members coming in...but I will have my own cubicle!
I have been praying about a change for a while. I have looked for new jobs and asked God countless time PLEASEEEEEE!! Where I am now, I am not being challenged the way that I would like to. I take on as many responsibilities as I can, in and outside of work, but it's still not enough. I didn't think I would actually get this job because I have no experience, whatsoever, except working with the program as a teller. Now I will be coming up with new updates for our system and testing them! They showed me some of the stuff I will be doing and OMG its complicated but I am so excited for the challenge. Everyone there is SUPER sweet and I have already made a friend! There are only about 4 or 5 of us on our team and I love that!
So I didn't have a business suit for my interview so Paige and I spent the Sunday before shopping...ugh. Don't get me wrong, I'm a girl. I love to spend money and shop. I LOATHE shopping for myself, especially when I am looking for something specific. Paige enjoyed herself...I enjoyed the Mexican lunch before and icecream afterwards.
The night before the interview I had an awful headache. I had bible study that night but I had 30 minutes to rest at home before I left. Sley was frying fish as I left and it smelt so good because I hadn't eaten anything since lunch 7 hours before. Anyway, the next morning I text Paige:
"I smell like fried fish. ugh."
I oversprayed perfume and still smelt it. I stopped by my grandparents house on the way and they didn't smell it...but then again, they don't smell much these days. I prayed it was just in my nose...oh well, must have not been that bad, I got the job lol
Although I begged and pleaded God, things are finally falling into place. Have you ever had a child beg and beg and beg and you feel like OMG PLEASE STOP! HAVE PATIENCE! I KNOW BEST!...yea I am TOTALLY sure that's what God was screaming to me these past few months.
I've also been BEGGING God for a baby. I pretty much have control of what I do but pray I do God's will. I don't have control of having a baby. I won't lie, it hurts some times, especially when more and more of my friends are posting baby bump pics. I know the timing is not good, with Sley out of a job (and no insurance) and me moving to a new job, but I am hard headed and am a spoiled brat who wants it RIGHT NOW! We "have but havent" been trying and I am learning through all of this, God really does know best. I finally have a peace about it all.
Last month I was late...I mean like REALLY late, and I just KNEW I was pregnant! I was at work and wanted to take a test right then so I ran to the drug store really quick. I spotted a bathroom but let's face it, I am a married woman and I felt like if I took it at the store then the clerk at the front would think I was pregnant with another man's baby and I was hiding it so I sucked up my pride and snuck to the bathroom at work with test in hand.
Five minutes later, NEGATIVE. So we all know 1 test is NEVER enough so I took one the next morning (no really I should absolutely consider getting stock in pregnancy tests...its ridiculous) and it was negative again. When normally I would be sad, I had peace was over me. I pray everytime I take a test that only if it's God's will...and I, myself, know it's not a good time much less God and with everything falling into place with my job, I have no doubt in my mind if Sley and I are to have a child, it will be in HIS timing.
If we arent meant to have a baby then I have come to have peace with that too! Sley and I have set goals on where we want to be at a certain time and if that involves children then we will be SO HAPPY but if not, we will be SO HAPPY with each other too! We both love my best friend's little girl Claire like our own child and we already spoil her so much and Sley has a little neice on the way so we will have plenty of chances to spend time with these precious little girls!
So yea, it's all good in the hood! I just feel so full and so thankful for God's presence in my life! I am doing a bible study on Jonah. I never thought I would EVER be able to compare myself to Jonah but God has used his story to teach me A LOT about myself and Him. If anyone is looking to join a small group let me know! In a few weeks we (Paige, myself, and one other girl) are going to start a study on "Ruth" I believe. We take turns meeting different places, eat dinner, chit chat, and talk about our studies. I love it because I can really lay out what is on my heart and not get judged. Any one is more than welcome!
I hope everyone has a great rest of the week! Tomorrow is FRIDAY! :)
Sorry for the delay of posts! It's been busy around the "Whitley Household" as my husband refers to our humble abode.
For example: I'll have an attitude about God knows what...like running out of cereal...and I'll bite Sley's head off about it because I shouldve gone to the grocery the night before (yea I know...Wife of the year award RIGHT HERE!) any way, he will just laugh at me and say, "NUH UH We dont be having attitudes in the Whitley Household!"
It's the simple things.
Our calendar has been FULL and anything life altering you've basically seen on Facebook already!
One thing that has changed that I havent really elaborated about recently is my change in occupations! May 13 I start a new job!
I love my coworkers...most of us get together outside of work so to say that I'm going to miss them will truly be an understatement. I have been at the branch where I am now for almost 5 years so I'm a little nervous about moving intermal. Where I am going there are no members coming in...but I will have my own cubicle!
I have been praying about a change for a while. I have looked for new jobs and asked God countless time PLEASEEEEEE!! Where I am now, I am not being challenged the way that I would like to. I take on as many responsibilities as I can, in and outside of work, but it's still not enough. I didn't think I would actually get this job because I have no experience, whatsoever, except working with the program as a teller. Now I will be coming up with new updates for our system and testing them! They showed me some of the stuff I will be doing and OMG its complicated but I am so excited for the challenge. Everyone there is SUPER sweet and I have already made a friend! There are only about 4 or 5 of us on our team and I love that!
So I didn't have a business suit for my interview so Paige and I spent the Sunday before shopping...ugh. Don't get me wrong, I'm a girl. I love to spend money and shop. I LOATHE shopping for myself, especially when I am looking for something specific. Paige enjoyed herself...I enjoyed the Mexican lunch before and icecream afterwards.
The night before the interview I had an awful headache. I had bible study that night but I had 30 minutes to rest at home before I left. Sley was frying fish as I left and it smelt so good because I hadn't eaten anything since lunch 7 hours before. Anyway, the next morning I text Paige:
"I smell like fried fish. ugh."
I oversprayed perfume and still smelt it. I stopped by my grandparents house on the way and they didn't smell it...but then again, they don't smell much these days. I prayed it was just in my nose...oh well, must have not been that bad, I got the job lol
Although I begged and pleaded God, things are finally falling into place. Have you ever had a child beg and beg and beg and you feel like OMG PLEASE STOP! HAVE PATIENCE! I KNOW BEST!...yea I am TOTALLY sure that's what God was screaming to me these past few months.
I've also been BEGGING God for a baby. I pretty much have control of what I do but pray I do God's will. I don't have control of having a baby. I won't lie, it hurts some times, especially when more and more of my friends are posting baby bump pics. I know the timing is not good, with Sley out of a job (and no insurance) and me moving to a new job, but I am hard headed and am a spoiled brat who wants it RIGHT NOW! We "have but havent" been trying and I am learning through all of this, God really does know best. I finally have a peace about it all.
Last month I was late...I mean like REALLY late, and I just KNEW I was pregnant! I was at work and wanted to take a test right then so I ran to the drug store really quick. I spotted a bathroom but let's face it, I am a married woman and I felt like if I took it at the store then the clerk at the front would think I was pregnant with another man's baby and I was hiding it so I sucked up my pride and snuck to the bathroom at work with test in hand.
Five minutes later, NEGATIVE. So we all know 1 test is NEVER enough so I took one the next morning (no really I should absolutely consider getting stock in pregnancy tests...its ridiculous) and it was negative again. When normally I would be sad, I had peace was over me. I pray everytime I take a test that only if it's God's will...and I, myself, know it's not a good time much less God and with everything falling into place with my job, I have no doubt in my mind if Sley and I are to have a child, it will be in HIS timing.
If we arent meant to have a baby then I have come to have peace with that too! Sley and I have set goals on where we want to be at a certain time and if that involves children then we will be SO HAPPY but if not, we will be SO HAPPY with each other too! We both love my best friend's little girl Claire like our own child and we already spoil her so much and Sley has a little neice on the way so we will have plenty of chances to spend time with these precious little girls!
So yea, it's all good in the hood! I just feel so full and so thankful for God's presence in my life! I am doing a bible study on Jonah. I never thought I would EVER be able to compare myself to Jonah but God has used his story to teach me A LOT about myself and Him. If anyone is looking to join a small group let me know! In a few weeks we (Paige, myself, and one other girl) are going to start a study on "Ruth" I believe. We take turns meeting different places, eat dinner, chit chat, and talk about our studies. I love it because I can really lay out what is on my heart and not get judged. Any one is more than welcome!
I hope everyone has a great rest of the week! Tomorrow is FRIDAY! :)
Thursday, April 4, 2013
Over load!
So it's April. It was almost 80 degrees this past weekend. People wore shorts, sleeveless tops, sandals...and today, you know, it's sleeting? Seriously ya'll?
I have to say, I am very thankful for the rain with my crazy allergies. One day my eye is watering like a leaking faucet, one day my ear hurts like someone jabbed a letter opener into my ear drum, then the next my throat hurts like someone took a lice scraper to the back of my throat (I know the last one was quite a bit disgusting...yikes! but you catch my drift)...And the weird part of it all, all of the pain is on the left side...I guess it could be worse!
Most everyone knows I'm a nerd. I tried to surpress it in highschool to "fit it" but now that I'm finally at the age where I just don't care and my peers don't spend every waking hour trying to pick on someone for the clothes they wear and the zits on their face (good thing I didn't get acne until a year ago), I've learned to embrace my inner nerd because let's face it, it sure does come in handy! Everyone going back to school at work comes to me for homework help and it's so much fun! I always say it's a win win for us both; they get the help they need and I get to "go back to school" for free!
Anyway, I love to read. No really. LOVE. In school, meh, I had too much other stuff to do like write notes in cute color crayola markers to stick in my very best friend's lockers and honestly, I wasn't interested in reading when I HAD to. I only remember reading 2 books throughout my whole schooling career:
--"Fahrenheit 451" only because I learned they burned books and I was totally a wanna be rebel in 6th grade
--"The Count of Monte Cristo" because my 10th grade hippie teacher said it was the closest thing to reading a soap opera and at the time I was infatuated with Guiding Light and Young & Restless.
Growing up, in the summers, my youngest cousin and I would always coax my great grandma into taking us to the local public library after she went to bank up the road with the yummy green lolipops. My cousin and I would get countless Goosebumps books and just sit and read and read to each other while my great grandma would nap listening to us.
My love for books has continued into adulthood. I get so engulfed in them. It's like I'm part of the story! In 6th grade, my language arts teacher was batty. Bless her heart, she needed to retire about 10 years prior to teaching me. BUT she loved reading to us (which meant we didnt have the responsibility of doing it on our own...and loved giving out candy--and this girl loves me some sour gummy worms) (whats a good strory without candy?) (please tell me I'm not the only one that wants a hershey with almonds everytime you watch Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory). We read (I believe it was this one?) "Where the Red Fern Grows" and when one of the dogs die (sorry if I just ruined it for you), my teacher cried...I mean in front of the class, needing tissues, couldnt get herself together, blubbering like it was HER dog that just died! I didn't get it. Neither did any of the other immature creatures in my class.
I get it now. I love a good book that makes me cry, laugh out loud, smile like I'm watching a show...
So without further a-do, here is a list of some good reads (because I know atleast ONE of my readers like to read too!):
-"Sisters" - Danielle Steel
My mom has always been a Danielle Steel fan and I was heading on a long road trip and happened to see this book and I'm so glad I got it. It's about this family where something happens and it brings the family closer...it's so much more to it than this but I don't want to ruin anything for ya'll!
-"I Will Carry You" - Angie Smith
Angie is married to a singer from the Christian band "Selah". I follow her blog. She is they type of person where you feel like you know her but have never met her. She is real. I know everyone struggles with different things. I read this after I had the miscarriage. I've never cried so hard in my life. She put into words exactly how I was feeling. If you have ever struggled with infertility or miscarriage or even not...read this book. Seriously. You will be blessed beyond words.
-"Sparkly Green Earrings" - Melanie Shankle
Melanie, better known as "Big Mama" from her blog, just published this book. I havent finished reading it but ya'll...it's so good. She is so down to earth and if you have kids (even if you don't...I don't yet...) it is just hilarious.
Those are my top picks so far! I'll keep ya'll updated!
Happy Friday-eve!
I have to say, I am very thankful for the rain with my crazy allergies. One day my eye is watering like a leaking faucet, one day my ear hurts like someone jabbed a letter opener into my ear drum, then the next my throat hurts like someone took a lice scraper to the back of my throat (I know the last one was quite a bit disgusting...yikes! but you catch my drift)...And the weird part of it all, all of the pain is on the left side...I guess it could be worse!
Most everyone knows I'm a nerd. I tried to surpress it in highschool to "fit it" but now that I'm finally at the age where I just don't care and my peers don't spend every waking hour trying to pick on someone for the clothes they wear and the zits on their face (good thing I didn't get acne until a year ago), I've learned to embrace my inner nerd because let's face it, it sure does come in handy! Everyone going back to school at work comes to me for homework help and it's so much fun! I always say it's a win win for us both; they get the help they need and I get to "go back to school" for free!
Anyway, I love to read. No really. LOVE. In school, meh, I had too much other stuff to do like write notes in cute color crayola markers to stick in my very best friend's lockers and honestly, I wasn't interested in reading when I HAD to. I only remember reading 2 books throughout my whole schooling career:
--"Fahrenheit 451" only because I learned they burned books and I was totally a wanna be rebel in 6th grade
--"The Count of Monte Cristo" because my 10th grade hippie teacher said it was the closest thing to reading a soap opera and at the time I was infatuated with Guiding Light and Young & Restless.
Growing up, in the summers, my youngest cousin and I would always coax my great grandma into taking us to the local public library after she went to bank up the road with the yummy green lolipops. My cousin and I would get countless Goosebumps books and just sit and read and read to each other while my great grandma would nap listening to us.
My love for books has continued into adulthood. I get so engulfed in them. It's like I'm part of the story! In 6th grade, my language arts teacher was batty. Bless her heart, she needed to retire about 10 years prior to teaching me. BUT she loved reading to us (which meant we didnt have the responsibility of doing it on our own...and loved giving out candy--and this girl loves me some sour gummy worms) (whats a good strory without candy?) (please tell me I'm not the only one that wants a hershey with almonds everytime you watch Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory). We read (I believe it was this one?) "Where the Red Fern Grows" and when one of the dogs die (sorry if I just ruined it for you), my teacher cried...I mean in front of the class, needing tissues, couldnt get herself together, blubbering like it was HER dog that just died! I didn't get it. Neither did any of the other immature creatures in my class.
I get it now. I love a good book that makes me cry, laugh out loud, smile like I'm watching a show...
So without further a-do, here is a list of some good reads (because I know atleast ONE of my readers like to read too!):
-"Sisters" - Danielle Steel
My mom has always been a Danielle Steel fan and I was heading on a long road trip and happened to see this book and I'm so glad I got it. It's about this family where something happens and it brings the family closer...it's so much more to it than this but I don't want to ruin anything for ya'll!
-"I Will Carry You" - Angie Smith
Angie is married to a singer from the Christian band "Selah". I follow her blog. She is they type of person where you feel like you know her but have never met her. She is real. I know everyone struggles with different things. I read this after I had the miscarriage. I've never cried so hard in my life. She put into words exactly how I was feeling. If you have ever struggled with infertility or miscarriage or even not...read this book. Seriously. You will be blessed beyond words.
-"Sparkly Green Earrings" - Melanie Shankle
Melanie, better known as "Big Mama" from her blog, just published this book. I havent finished reading it but ya'll...it's so good. She is so down to earth and if you have kids (even if you don't...I don't yet...) it is just hilarious.
Those are my top picks so far! I'll keep ya'll updated!
Happy Friday-eve!
Tuesday, April 2, 2013
On the outs
Sorry it's been so long since my last post. I've lacked time and motivation...mainly time, well, and motivation. To be honest, I've been sort of in the dumps lately! ugh...
So I was almost finished with my bible study by Beth Moore about David when the bestie recommended us start our own small group and study together. We invited one more outsider, planned a date night good for all of us, ate yummy food and headed to Lifeway to choose a study. We ended up picking Jonah. We were all so excited and couldn't wait to dive into our new study! We chose a day to meet the next week and decided to rotate houses every week. The next week things came up for all of us so today is the day we have our first gathering.
While doing the Beth Moore study I really felt God's presence in my life. I was happy. I knew God was there and saw things a little different...well that really must have pissed Satan off because he came toward me full fledge and if it weren't for my husbands encouragement and a random date night with the strongest gal I know, I would've lost it...I mean padded room, straight jacket, drooling on myself while rocking in the fetal position. Everything came down on me that is going on. It's like Satan was whispering, "look what's happened in your life...your marriage failed, you had a miscarriage, your husband lost his job, work is stressful, you don't have any money to do the things you want to do no matter how hard you work...etc etc." I quit in the middle of my bible study one night and just wrote out a letter to God about my frustrations about everything going on. I teared up talking to Sley one night, "you know how God is like our Daddy? Well how can He see his little girl in so much pain and not doing anything???" and my wise hubby just said, "He's here Andrea...He sees us...It's going to be ok!"
Isn't it funny how Satan knows just what buttons to push to get us down? Lots and lots of tears, screams to God, and heart to hearts later, I am coming around!
The thing is, Sley and I really haven't gone without what we needed...Satan knows me, he knows it doesn't take much for me to worry about the "what ifs" but MY GOD is bigger than all of it!
So I'm back...I have a story to finish telling!!! I hope everyone had a great Easter!!!
Thank God my Savior LIVES!!
So I was almost finished with my bible study by Beth Moore about David when the bestie recommended us start our own small group and study together. We invited one more outsider, planned a date night good for all of us, ate yummy food and headed to Lifeway to choose a study. We ended up picking Jonah. We were all so excited and couldn't wait to dive into our new study! We chose a day to meet the next week and decided to rotate houses every week. The next week things came up for all of us so today is the day we have our first gathering.
While doing the Beth Moore study I really felt God's presence in my life. I was happy. I knew God was there and saw things a little different...well that really must have pissed Satan off because he came toward me full fledge and if it weren't for my husbands encouragement and a random date night with the strongest gal I know, I would've lost it...I mean padded room, straight jacket, drooling on myself while rocking in the fetal position. Everything came down on me that is going on. It's like Satan was whispering, "look what's happened in your life...your marriage failed, you had a miscarriage, your husband lost his job, work is stressful, you don't have any money to do the things you want to do no matter how hard you work...etc etc." I quit in the middle of my bible study one night and just wrote out a letter to God about my frustrations about everything going on. I teared up talking to Sley one night, "you know how God is like our Daddy? Well how can He see his little girl in so much pain and not doing anything???" and my wise hubby just said, "He's here Andrea...He sees us...It's going to be ok!"
Isn't it funny how Satan knows just what buttons to push to get us down? Lots and lots of tears, screams to God, and heart to hearts later, I am coming around!
The thing is, Sley and I really haven't gone without what we needed...Satan knows me, he knows it doesn't take much for me to worry about the "what ifs" but MY GOD is bigger than all of it!
So I'm back...I have a story to finish telling!!! I hope everyone had a great Easter!!!
Thank God my Savior LIVES!!
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