New Blog!

Come on over to my new blog!

www.awhitleykindofway.wordpress.com

Still here

I havent had a chance to start a new blog...lots going on...will update soon!

Disclaimer

I don't post on Facebook (any more) when I blog. With that said, when you visit my blog, you physically make a conscious effort to come here. My blog is my thoughts...you get where I'm going with this..

Any way, I'm thinking of starting a new blog soon but turning it private. If you would like to be a part of my new blog, please leave your email below...

Thanks! And yay for hump day!

Things I learned in July

1- I dont have to be a big fan of the beach to like the beach. My first choice for vacation is not the beach (I know, insert dramatic gasp). The first 2 days we were down for vacation, I stayed in the house, napping on the couch all day until time to go out for dinner. For 1, I'm white, like the pasty, prone to skin cancer white. And secondly, I dont like sand that wanders up into crevices that it doesnt belong.


http://water.epa.gov/type/oceb/beaches/images/Malibu_Sunset_1.jpg


2- People aren't who they seem to be. I am so naive when it comes to that and very often, I get burned. This time, I got burned and blamed. Lesson learned.

3- The older I get, the crazier I get and the more I don't have it together. I had to leave work early, pay a $25 copay at an urgent care because I couldnt remember if I took a tampon out before trying to put in another (and apparently I'm not alone in this because she said it happens weekly...but cmon folks, I'm 28...I've been down this road well over 16 years)

4- I'm starting to believe what I say. If Sley and I can't have kids, I am going to love the kids in our lives like they are my own. Nothing makes this OCD woman more happier than a house full of rowdy youngins' (hubs included). I never thought I would be ok with so much chaos but it brings joy I can't even begin to describe.

5- I like it being cold when I get out of the shower. Random, but I'm just now figuring this out. Sley actually figured it out before me. He likes to cover the vent in the bathroom so it is nice and warm when he gets out...I on the other hand like the vent open and could've kissed my husband when he put the fan in the bathroom while I was taking a shower. I HATE sweating as I get ready and I HATE foggy mirrors.

6- God has never left my side. He has always provided, yet I still stress. I am trying my best to rid the stress from my life!

7- God brought the women together in my bible study on purpose. It's crazy how different we are and how we are all in different stages of our life but we all fit together so beautifully. It leaves me speechless thinking about it really. Perfect in every sense.


Sorry it's been so long since my last post. I don't really have much to blog about these days (which isnt necessarily a bad thing!)

Starting Week 2

Last week was just what I needed. God knew I needed this too. I started my period Thursday and while it hurt, instead of my focus being on Facebook and posting my woes or looking at all the people I know being pregnant, I focussed on my hurt and prayed. I also emailed a fellow blogger Amy about my struggles because she has been there, too. She was so encouraging and left me with a Scripture I have at my computer desk in front of me all day:

"But these things I plan won't happen right away. Slowly, steadily, SURELY, the time approaches when the vision will be fulfilled. If it seems slow, be patient! For it will surely take place. It will not be late BY A SINGLE DAY." --Habakkuk 2:3

She then wrote this post about some things we were talking about. While starting my period hurt my heart, I was able to refocus and know in my heart...GOD HAS GOT THIS.

So...today starts week 2 of no Facebook. I've heard a lot of people asking if Sley and I had split and NO we have not. Isn't it crazy I get off of Facebook for my well being and people automatically assume the worst? Myself included.

Oh well, it's been a breath of fresh air. And you know what else was a breath of fresh air? Last night's bible study with my girls. Much needed. Much appreciated. My God knows what I need better than I do and I'm so thankful He provides!!

So yea, no baby, no Facebook, but plenty of HOPE!

Thanks for the prayers!

Taking a Break

I know I won’t have as many readers for this post since I won’t be posting the link to Facebook. I am currently doing a bible school with 5 other amazing women. The study is on Esther and how hard it is being a woman. One thing I struggle with is bitterness. It’s so easy to post on Facebook to make your life seem amazing, and maybe it really is that amazing, but my God is the only one perfect so there are always going to be times when things are not perfect. I get so bitter with all the flaunting on Facebook of who has it better than anyone else. We were discussing this last night and there is a lady in our group that doesn’t have Facebook and is VERY Anti-Facebook. She said that she really believes Facebook is the DEVIL (enter in the voice of Adam Sandler). Anyway, she was explaining that without Facebook, you only have time to worry about yourself and things that are important to you. She said, “Ignorance is bliss” and I truly believe that. She also said, “I’m sure there are going to be times when I’m in the Food Lion and a girl I went to school with comes up to me and we start talking and she mentions just getting back from a cruise…that’s fine, yea I want to go but I’m happy for her and then I will walk away and go get my Pop Tarts…out of sight, out of mind.” I really think there is something to that.

While in discussion, she issued us a challenge: to deactivate Facebook for a week to see how our attitude improved. Two of us girls out of the 5 that have Facebook agreed; the others said they would think about it, which is fine! I know that I need this. Sley makes little comments about me being on my phone all the time so this will help me redirect my focus toward my relationship with God and my husband.

I’ve already received a text asking if I was ok since I wasn’t on Facebook anymore and I explained why I was doing it. I also deleted all of the games on my phone (even Hay Day and my $40k in coins I had been saving up to buy a Jam Maker…) (Yes I know it’s ridiculous). So now I have LOTS of free time. During lunch, I normally go sit in my car and check out Facebook so now I’ll be doing my Bible Study in my car during lunch.

I reached for my phone out of habit so many times last night. It’s an eye opener of how much I really do stay on the phone!

So, everyone keep Julie and I in your prayers. It’s going to be a long week but I know this is going to make us so much stronger!

The hard one

After we left the Dr’s office after being told our little one most likely would not make it, I was in a complete fog. I could tell a meltdown was just seconds from erupting and tried my best to get to the car without incident. After taking the elevator down 1 floor that felt like took 30 minutes, I rushed to the car, tears streaming down my face. I had worn a mask in the Dr’s office because I was still getting over a cold, so the mask helped camouflage the tears. I get the the car, take off my mask, and lose it. Sley kept saying, “Everything’s going to be alright shug…we will just try again.” I knew he was just trying to comfort me any way that he could but I didn’t want to hear it. He didn’t know the pain my heart I was going through knowing I failed at the one thing I wanted most in my life.


Before we could make it out of the parking lot, I was sobbing. Not the quiet, one tear streaming down your face, praying no one notices, cry. Oh no. This was the hard cry. The one where there is loads of snot, and screams, along with a headache, gasping for air, cries. You know, the ‘good for the soul’ kinda cry where everything in you is completely emptied out on the table for God to sort out because He is the only one in control of your unborn baby’s life.

I just didn’t understand! How could these teenagers have baby after baby, give it up for adoption (if they didn’t decide to abort first), do drugs, smoke and drink, live irresponsibly, but I could be a good Mom for my baby, the baby I have always wanted, but suddenly my baby was going to be taken away. I was angry. I was judgmental. I was hurt. Even though I was angry and hurt, I still believed God had a bigger plan and I trusted Him, even though I didn’t understand. While I questioned God’s motives, I never stopped believing that He loves me. I believe He was in the car with me that day, holding me as I’m sure my husband was freaking out, not knowing how to fix the grief stricken woman sitting next to him. “Be still and KNOW that I am God”…

I didn’t want to go home. I didn’t want reality to set in. I didn’t want to see the baby gifts Sley had given me a few days before to celebrate my first Mother’s Day. I didn’t want to see the baby giraffe I bought for my baby that I held every night, praying. Sley just drove. Sometimes the ride was quiet; sometimes all you heard were my sobs and pleas. I had been sick a few days before and still couldn’t taste anything. I asked Sley to stop at Starbucks. It was hot that day so I asked for a Frappuccino instead of my usual hot White Chocolate Mocha. It was the icing on the cake when I got the drink and couldn’t taste it. We walked in Hobby Lobby and I just remember walking. I was there in body but my heart and mind were somewhere else. I had wanted to go to the Hobby Lobby so much because I heard so many good things about it but now that I was there, I just walked, trying to keep it together so I wouldn’t scare any customers off. All the grief I had taken from others about becoming pregnant, standing up for what I knew was right, I felt was all in vain. I went through all of that for my baby to die.

All afternoon, my phone rang and I never answered a single call. I was with Sley and at that moment, that was all I needed.

We finally made it home and went to bed. I lived the next few days like nothing was wrong. I wasn’t bleeding so maybe God was going to prove these doctors wrong! “Thank you Jesus!” I prayed, “sorry for doubting Your ability to heal!”.

A few nights later as I was getting ready for bed, after going to the bathroom, there it was. Evidence that my baby was no more. I walked to the bedroom and told Sley what was happening. I was freaking out because 1- I had no pads at his house because I moved in when I was pregnant and didn’t need any…2- I had no “regular” undies for the pads to fit in…Sley doesn’t think twice after telling him my “issues”, hops out of bed to get dressed, all while asking me what exactly I needed him to pick me up from Walmart. What a sweet, sweet man. As I was telling me, I got this strong urge of not wanting to be by myself so we both hopped in the car, me with some folded paper towels between my legs, and both head to the store at 11pm. I normally wear tampons and I didn’t feel that tampons were appropriate with this so I headed for the pads. I had not worn pads since middle school so I didn’t know which ones to get. I didn’t know what to expect either so I ended up getting the HUGE pack of extra-long HUGE pads that feel like you have a roll of paper towels between your legs and when you sit, it feels like your crack gets a little extra cushion! Anyway, I thought Sley would have been mortified because I sure was! I headed to buy some granny panties (to which I am almost positive Sley had some smart comment to break the ice). As we are heading out the door from paying, Sley grabs the enormous bag of pads (that were too big for a bag) and lifts them over his head in the parking lot on the way to the car. At that moment, this right here was equivalent to a knight in shining armor showing up on a pretty white horse to rescue me from a tall tower my step mother had locked me in to keep me from going to the ball, with my glass slipper, long hair, and talking dishes.

I didn’t know what to expect. When I first started miscarrying, the only sign I had was in the pad. I didn’t have any pain, just heavy flow. Well, I should’ve knocked on some pretty hard wood because a few days later, the pain hit, and boy did it hit! Every 30 seconds I would have a contraction. I would cry, and shake, and sweat. Sley begged me to call the Dr. on call since it was the weekend and finally I did. I cried on the phone while I was in pain. She prescribed me meds to alleviate some of the pain after I promised to come in the office Monday morning. The few hours between calling the Dr. and getting the meds creeped as I lay in the fetal position on the floor crying in pain as Sley sat frantic; rocking me, whispering that he wished it was he who was going through the pain instead of me. The meds put me in a fog but I was finally able to rest.

That day changed us both. My husband is one heck of a man and I am out of this world lucky to have him by my side. I really believe this brought us closer to one another and God. The weeks following and even now, I still get upset about not having my baby, but I am thankful for a husband who never left my side and continues to keep my head up and my faith in God strong. I know God will grant us the desires of our hearts one day but until then, I will keep believing, loving, thanking, and worshipping Him.

I’m so thankful for the opportunity to reach all of you with my story. I know everyone’s story is different. Some have never been divorced, some have never lost a baby…but I’m sure we all know someone who has. I am by far no way perfect. I am human. I mess up but I don’t try to make myself someone I’m not. My story isn’t pretty and I’m not going to portray it that way because I’m afraid of gossip. People are going to talk and that’s ok! Maybe through the gossip, my story will reach someone who needs it!

I’m going to end with a scripture I have at my desk and a little note I wrote under it. I hope it gives someone hope like it does me!



“Delight thyself also in the Lord; and he shall give thee the desires of thine heart.”

-----The God I serve is more than capable to fill my womb and give Sley and I a child if He so desires!